About Depression – in English

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I just read a post in the blog of one of my closest friend. She was writing about her current situation where she feels like she is suffering depression and how this depression has messed up her life.

Before you understand how does it feels to be depressed, it is hard to comprehend how one problem could drive someone so bad. People feels like they too are suffering from some problem and yet they survive anyway. Some other would feels like they understood the hardship of other even when the fact is, they don’t. Others would feel irritated and find you as a complainer whom can’t seem to be satisfied and make the most of what you have.

As a self proclaim ex-depressed, let me tell you something: you have no idea how depression kills.

I used to be by side of a friend who was in a terrible state that this person actually attempt to committed suicide while I’m not around. It freaks me out. I frankly feel like I’m holding a very fragile form of life whom I can’t divert my eyes from even for just one second. I can’t relate. I can’t understand. Why could this person be so stupid and make such a careless decision just because of a problem that can be solved? Just why?

However I understand that it is hard to completely relate and understand one’s situation. Thus, it is completely normal if I find it hard to feel what they feel. Unfortunately, I ended up gaining the ability of understanding the struggles of the depression sooner than I expect..

Exactly 6 month after I started to work in one of a biggest private company in my country, I started to think that I need some adventure and started to chase my passion – working abroad. I tried, I prayed. Just my luck, I have to face the one problem I really want to avoid. If possible, I prefer dying than facing this one problem. But the choice is never mine. Ready or not I have to face the disagreement with my parent. I was doomed.

It would be easy if I can fight.

It would be easy if I can do what I have to do.

It would be easy if I can solve it selfishly and get away with it.

But I can’t.

 

Because my parent, my family are my most precious treasure. They worth more, much much more than my life. If I were to have thousands life, I would give up all those life just for a few second of their happiness. That’s why I have to struggle.

I don’t want to live in an empty life.

I don’t want to lose my family either.

All I can do is to wait, endless wait and prays.

 

I am a baby of a sad mother, which explain my lack of self-value. I have always struggle between admitting that I am loved and admitting that I am an existence whom should have never exist. No matter how hard I tried, I can’t understand the feeling of being loved. It becomes so bad that I conclude love is equal to lust. I do not understand the feeling of love and can’t never understand it in a lifetime.

In a slip of tongue, during the time of anger, the most precious person for me told me that I am the thorn in their life. Were it not for me, their life would not be so disastrous. What worse is, that person just have to be my mother.

Drunk, Kid, and Angry people are three honest people. Those were honest words that was out of her lips countless time. She didn’t mean to hurt me, but she mean what she said.

That kills me.

 

It gets harder with so many temptation.

I can run away.I fight this desire for so many times. I can’t stop imagining how easy my life would be if I can just walk away. But I would lose them.

I can kill myself. But would I chose to be shame of her life until my last breath? That would make me the most shameless child for making her parent be ashamed of her until the end.

IT’S HARD.

 

I STARTED TO HIT MY HEAD.

I SLAM MY BODY TO THE WALL

I CAN’T EAT WITHOUT VOMITING ALL OF THEM.

I CAN’T SLEEP.

I HAVE NIGHTMARES THAT MAKES ME AFRAID OF CLOSING MY EYES.

I LITERALLY STRUGGLE TO BREATH ALL DAY.

FINALLY, I PRAYED FOR A TERRIBLE ILLNESS WITH NO CURE JUST SO I CAN END THIS HELL FASTER.

I.AM.TIRED.

 

I am so tempted to poison myself. I miss the day of waking up feeling refreshed. I get used to the pain on my back and shoulder all day long. I get used to a terrible pain in my chest every morning. I cried randomly and lose the ability to get a hold of my self.

The clock is ticking, people are walking toward something but I am stuck here. I can’t move.

I am scared.

 

I heard a loud buzzing in my ears, my head is always dizzy.

I just really want all these to be over.

I want to die.

 

Depression is never about what makes them so depressed, it’s about the pain that they suffer. You can even get depressed about losing what seems so worthless. The cause might seems unbelievable but the pain is real. It’s harder because you tend to hide it.

Depressed people would hide their pain and when they can’t hide it anymore, they’ll hide themselves. When even hiding themselves did not work out, they’ll hide in a faraway places – in the afterlife.

 

There is no cure for depression, you just have to save yourself before it get worse. Help yourself or ask for help. Don’t let it corrupt your soul.

Believe me, there is no end to depression. You might finally move on and started to smile, however you depression will never go away. Your happiness might overshadow your sadness but that’s it. You might ended up like me with tendencies to be offended and a lot of confusion.

Maybe because you are too careful, it’s hard to understand why one is right and why one is wrong. It might be just others selfishness but since you tend to think that you are in the wrong, you’ll be in a huge confusion. You feel offended but you are confused whether it is okay for you to feel offended. You’ll pile it up inside but then, you might (seem) randomly cried for something (seems) unreasonable.

You’ll never cure depression.

You can stop its corruption, you can slow it down, but you can’t erase it.

You’ll live with it for the rest of your life.

 

Peeps,

Stop depression before it stop you.

You are loved, You are enough.

And I (am trying to) believe that myself.

 

I survived.

You too will survive.

 

Love,

F

A Whole New World – in English

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A whole new world

That’s where we’ll be..

A wondrous place..

For you and me..

A Whole New World – O.S.T of Alladin (Disney)

My new vocabulary:

♥ You:

My heart keeper.

My other half.

My man.

My new world.

 

♥ Your Arm:

My favorite place.

My exclusive hand warmer.

My powerful healing resource.

 

♥ Stroking Your Hair:

My new hobby.

My stress reliever.

My most favorite time.

 

♥ Your Voice:

Most played on my mind.

Most remembered in my sleep.

Most recognized in the noise

 

♥ The Sound of Your Laugh:

My most favorite song.

A lullaby before sleep.

My stress reliever.

Your most powerful charm.

 

♥ The Whole You:

Best Gift. Ever.

 

Nite nite My Goofy Dracula ♥
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Goodbye, Hello – in English

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source: frankupdates


 

Goodbye

How have you been, my long history ex-boyfie who likes to go around and around? For a while, my mind is finally free of you. Normally, in this situation, I would dream of you. If it’s not about you who beg to get together with me, it’s about you who feel bitter and get mad at me for leaving. Or, it could be about you who provided me the feeling of security when my world is crumbling.

How have you been, my dear? How have you been, my world used-to-be? We need to move on to our own life, right? So it’s only right, if I stop dreaming about you even when it’s beyond my control. That also how it should be for you right? It’s only right if you stop thinking about the remnant of our romance. If, I can never be replaced, so is your current girl. She is no me as I am no her. It’s only right if you stop comparing and be freed from my shadow right?

That is why, I am saying Goodbye.

Until not too long ago, in fact, until two month ago, I was still your prisoner – as you are mine. If your feet is still shackled, I am here to break the chain. Goodbye, walk away and don’t ever look back.

Because I finally understand that it is not love which bound me to you. It’s a sense of guilty and the need of attention. How do I know? It’s all thanks to him. Yes, him, my fiance.

He stole my heart, easily, effortlessly.

I can cry easily in front of him. I let him stop my tears and caress me. I let him spoil me and tease me. I let him catch me. When it was us, it never happened, right? That explain everything. It was heavy and painful to be with you. However, it was only you who can provide me the feeling of security – something that I yearn for the most. Now, that changed. Like a mist, those awkward dependencies that I have toward you is fading away. It’s disappearing, as how you started to be erased from my mind.

Are you angry at me? Am I in the wrong for chasing my happiness? For once in my life, I finally meet someone who care about me much more than his own well-being. How can I let that go? Don’t you knew as well, how hard it is for me to accept any form of kindness and happiness? It’s finally easy as easy as breathing, for me to smile. Will you be happy for me? Love, sometimes just never meant to be. Isn’t that why my frozen heart stay frozen until the very end?

It’s not that you are not enough, it’s me who are not enough. I don’t have what it takes to find you enough. So you can blame me, curse me or even scream at me. I will accept it all, and I won’t say a word. I just sincerely wish for you to be free, for you to finally find a place where everything is so easy.

I believe you understand right? That we can never be a mere friend, you do understand, right? I can be your friend, but I can’t cast aside those caring part of me that persist to worry about you. That would be cruel to my man. You can be my friend, but you can’t cast aside the dream where we are side by side as a man and woman who belong to each other. That would be cruel for you and your woman/future woman. That is why, we need to be a total stranger. You do understand that, right?

So, Goodbye.

I pray that god finally give you a peaceful life with a great woman to be by your side.

 

Love,

Your Past


 

Hello

How are you doing, my exclusive sweet goofy man? Thank you, sincerely, for coming to my life. Were it not for you, I would still be down there drowning in depression. It was cold and I always struggle to breath. My back, my shoulder and my chest are in pain all the time. I used to be constantly feeling choked and having trouble to eat. My gastric is wearing me out and I am noticeably growing weaker. I was in a mess, I might still am.

But thanks to you, I finally remember how to smile. I finally have something to look forward to. You rescued me from drowning and teach me about love. With your endless caring and gentle words, you cure my insecurity, effortlessly. With your endless kindness, you protected me from all those pain. My peaceful day is starting to come back.

Isn’t it a real blessing, to have someone like you coming to my life? I have no idea, what have I done for ever deserving someone as great as you. My shoulder feels lighter and foods are starting to taste better. What kind of magic spell have you cast upon me? Whatever it is, it’s a real miracle. Are you sure about having someone as worn out as me?

Remember that one time when you said that I am one in a million? Well, so are you. It’s funny isn’t it? We both are incapable of seeing our own value but are real good at finding each other precious. What is the probability of a man and a woman, to find each other as the greatest gift in their life? One in a billion perhaps? Or even less? Isn’t it wonderful that those impossible probability is happening in our life? God is really full of mercy toward you and me. Let us thank Allah for the great romance which is about to be written in our future.

Truly, I can’t find the word to tell how thankful I am for having you as my man. There is nothing but tears that can express how thankful I am. For making me smile, for making me laugh, for warming up my frozen heart, Thank you. For coming to my life, for fixing things between me and my parent unconsciously, Thank you. For everything you are, for accepting everything I am, Thank you. For making me your world, for giving yourself entirely to me, Thank you. For every bit of love, for every bit of caring, for every bit of kindness, for lifting my insecurity, Thank you. For finding me enough, for treating me much more precious than any jewel, Thank you.

Thank you for being born.

Thank you for holding on.

Thank you for finding your way to my life.

Thank you for giving me the honor of being your woman.

Thank you for everything.

I can’t thank you enough. Really, Thank you.

 

Did you know? You are starting to come up in my dream a lot lately. You make me feel loved, you make me feel safe. Did you understand what does it mean when you are showing up in my dream? It means that you mean that much to me.

Even when I refuse to admit it, my heart is finally stolen. You steal my heart, and I feel good about it. Isn’t that amazing?

Hello my man, my fiance, my husband-soon-to-be. I can’t wait to finally be with you.

 

Love,

Your future, Your other half.


 

Heart Keeper – in English

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I put you heart, right by my heart.

If you want to take it back, rip my heart.

Only then, can you take your heart.

But I’ll die.

If you rip my heart, I’ll die

One night, the playful you was sending me so many picture of you. Unlike any other picture with serious expression, today you send me picture with funny faces. Are you being goofy or are you teasing me?

I told you that, those pictures make me miss you. I miss you, so very much. Oh how I want to pinch that nose and that cheek. Can I have you for just one day? Please come back home. Sit next to me. Stay by my side, always.

I hold it in, the longing that started to flowing. What to do? What do I do? I am missing you.

 

So when you called me, naturally I feel so dizzy. These feeling is growing so strong. I feed it nothing, when did it grow so big? I hold it in, I hold it in. Why does the mean you keep on teasing me? So I started to cry, telling the tale of a faraway lover. I cried like a baby for he is out of my reach. Are you confused or are you happy, for I am crying but for longing for you?

Help me”, I said.

I’m missing you..”, I continued.

Be strong”, you answered.

I’m not going anywhere. In one month I’ll be there”, you continued.

but it hurts, can I have you for just one day?”, I asked.

I’m yours, forever and always”, you replied.

I’m in pain, what did you do to me?”, I grumbled.

Help me. I’m missing you..

Be strong. I’m not going anywhere. In one month I’ll be there

 

..but it hurts, can I have you for just one day?

I’m yours, forever and always

 

I’m in pain, what did you do to me?

Nothing. All I did, was stealing your heart.

Then give it back.

Never. Don’t wanna.

This is driving me crazy, give my heart back.

I won’t. If you want it back, then take it on your own.

How?

I put you heart, right by my heart. If you want to take it back, rip my heart. Only then, can you take your heart. But I’ll die. If you rip my heart, I’ll die

…you make it sounds crazy.

It’s true, if you take it back I’ll die.

I love you, really really do. So I miss you, just as much as you do. Let’s be strong, okay? 1 month is not such a long time. In no time, it will be over. In no time, you are all mine as I am all yours.

Okay..

The goofy you, is so mean. You stop my tears, but you make me cry again. You hate the thought of letting me sad, but you like the fact that those tears is for you. A contradiction, as always.

The goofy you, is so mean. You tried to make me strong, but then you make me weak. You hate the thought of letting me being weak, but you like the idea of being my weakness. A contradiction, as always.

What do I do, what to do?

The one that I protect the most, is now stolen.

Can you keep it, can you protect it?

Can you be my heart keeper?

source: etsy.com

So hello peeps, how have you been? Are you like me, with someone holding your heart dearly? Is he protecting it, is she taking care of it? May your heart keeper, is as gentle as mine. In the mean time, I’ll pray for a good answer. Have a nice day reader!

Love,

F

Happy Anniversary and Engagement Day to Us – in English

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This is a late post that suppose to be posted on May 27th. Unfortunately I (we) was busy preparing for our engagement day and I am always tired when I reach home. That is why I only manage to write this post now.

Anyway, big news peeps! I am going to get married!

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Q: Is this some kind of joke?

A: No, it’s not. Lol

 

Q: Why so sudden???

A: Why indeed. Surprised?

 

Q: Yeah! You are love-allergic and all. How can you even get involved with anyone?

A: That’s rude. Ahaha. But that’s right, I have love-allergic. However, fate twists your story in an unimaginable way. Not even in my wildest dream I ever imagine myself to be willingly become someone’s woman. Love? What the heck is that? Proposing me? Are you you of your mind? Meeting my parent to ask for my hand for marriage? That’s it! I’m out.

 

Q: That’s what I’m saying. So.. how?? Why??

A: How? His parent asked my parent to let me be their daughter in law. My parent said yes. Why? I want to make my parent happy, so is he.

 

Q: So, in the end. This is all for your parent? – for both of you.

A: Well, at first, yeah. I mean we are both a complete stranger. We know nothing about each other and we are both broken at the same time. How can we welcome someone else? On his side, he was trying to make his parent stop crying out of worries for his well being. Why not get to know this girl? Who knows it’s finally a jackpot? On my side, I was sick of seeing my parent crying out of worries for their daughter who never show any interest in marriage. Why not just let this guy in? Who knows it’s finally a man who meet my parent’s criteria?

 

Q: I see.. So?

A: Well, we started by chatting on BBM. First chat, we clicked! The way he and I joke around is almost the same. We have the same interest toward music and culture. We knew about stuff each other like to talk about. I was like, God, I’ve never feel so compatible with a man the way I do right now! We fool around and only talk about some light stuff. Slowly, I realize that he has almost everything in my shopping list. I got hooked up. I might get addicted to this, damn.

 

Q: ..and what exactly is your shopping list?

A: My shopping list is quite difficult, I have to admit that. These is my shopping list:

  • Love me, care about me.
  • Mature, have his own share of hardship (not a spoiled child).
  • Smarter, can follow up my crazy thought.
  • Playful, Joke a lot, yet can act as a man when needed to be.
  • He prays, have a good religion.
  • From a big family, with a great relationship.
  • Love my family too.
  • Taller than me.

If we are to simplify those list, it comes to: Great personality, Great heart, Good brain, Good looks. Extremely difficult list. All of my ex would only manage to meet one, barely even. Some only have a good brain, some only manage to have a good personalty and other barely manage to have a good looks. What about him? He has all that! One in a million I dare say. He even give me bonuses!

  • Love singing.
  • Play music.
  • He cooks (THIS!!).
  • He own musical instrument, a few.
  • He drive.
  • He find me precious. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??)
  • He is scared of loosing me.

I almost can’t believe how lucky I am. It feels like God finally give me all of my lifetime happiness.

 

Q: How about him? How does he feels about you?

A: If I were to write it down, it would sounds a lot like bragging. I do not know about his shopping list, but I understand he want a woman who would see him for who he is, someone to accept all his flaws, someone who would love him unconditionally. He dream about a woman who would treat him as a man and behave like a woman when she is on his side. He dream about a woman who would do her best to protect his heart. To his eyes, I am all that. Well, It’s great if that is really what I am. I do find myself as that type of girl but if I were to admit having all those qualities, that would sounds a lot like bragging right? Lol

 

Q: Do you love him?

A: Beats me. I do not know what is this thing called love and how exactly does it work. However I do know that being with him is as easy as breathing. I know that it is very hard for me to cry in front of other, all the more if the other party is that of a different gender. However, I become a cry baby in front of him. It’s not heavy for me to spoil him and letting him to do the same. It’s relaxing and very comfortable. I feel really safe when he is around. Remember how I always said that I always have my defense up because of my insecurity? That I only have a ground to stand on and even that was taken away from me? When he is around, it feels like I am being rescued to a great place. It’s not heavenly, but I have a warm ground where I can lay. There might not be a strong wall, but it’s enough to shield me from the harsh ray of sun. It might not be the best roof, but it’s enough to keep me from the rain. For someone who has nothing, do you have any idea how much of a luxury all that for me?

Remember how I always said that I am drowning in a muddy road? That I can only stay floating thanks to my bleeding hand that keep on holding onto a frayed rope? I feel that someone finally reach my hand. He carry me away from that muddy ground easily. He stop all those hand from pulling me down, he stop all those screaming that driving me insane. Gently, he clean me from all those mud. As if I am a precious thing, he treat all of my pain carefully. He cry out of joy, just by having me around. He cry out of joy for having someone as worn out as me.

Of course that melts my frozen heart..

 

Q: Does he love you.?

A: He said he does. I can feel it in his gaze and in his touch. It obvious in how he get worried sick about even the tiniest sign of pain or exhaustion that I showed, how he refuse to let me do anything that looks hard, how he only let me do the easy part. Once, he almost cried when he said: “Why didn’t we meet sooner?”. He also almost cried when he said: “God loves me, after everything I’ve been through, He gives me a woman like you..”. He get jealous easily. He is very caring.

You know, one day, when I was with him, I feel that he makes sure to drive safely. But the other day, one when I am not around, all of his passenger get worried and can’t sleep because he drive a bit in hurried just so he can meet me earlier.

I guess, with all that, I can conclude that he loves me.. right?

 

Q: Lol! Enough of bragging. Who is this mysterious guy anyway?

A: Peeps, meet Aulia Budiman also known as Budi. Born in March 24th, 1982. Yep, 7 years older than me. A goofy guy who jokes around a lot. A skinny guy who no matter how much he eat, would still has a hard time gaining even one pounds. He is a great cooks, with a lot of experience and have a great relationship with people from various background. He loves any food makes from peanut and drink coffee all the time. A smoker who is currently trying to stop smoking since his wife-soon-to-be can’t handle the cigarette. His father and my parent come from the same village. He is well known for his great personality. He is tall – for Indonesian, 175 cm – and has a bright skin complexion, brighter than me. He loves his family and adore kids. He plays guitar, keyboard and drum. He sings. He always update himself with the world news etc. A bit too perfect for me but who cares? I hit the jackpot!

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Q: Congratulation then. So, when is the big day?

A: Coming soon okay? Engagement day was on May 27th. I’ll let you know when we the day is near. Please pray that everything would went smoothly for us.

 

I guess that’s been long enough. Thanks for reading and may God grant each of you your dream man/woman.

Love,

F

Addicted to You – in English

A torture! This! You!

Damn, I’m addicted to you..

“I’m telling you. She is like this. If a guy insisting on asking her for her phone number and she got fed up of refusing him, she’ll give him her number.”

Really, mom?

“Yeah, and when the guy keep on calling her, she’ll pick up the phone but instead of talking with the other party, she put her cellphone down. Letting the guy talking to himself.. And if the guy keep on calling her anyway, she’ll turn off her cellphone”

That was mom’s and my husband-soon-to-be conversation. I don’t know how we reach that topic, but he was talking about how I refuse to respond him at first. Then, he was all happy while saying: “That’s why, you have to know the guy first before refusing him. See, in the end, you like me right?”. I laugh it off to hide my embarrassment.

We were tired yesterday, all the more him. He has to drive for hours and also has to bear with his lil’brother couple spat. That wasn’t nice. Thanks to me being there, things wasn’t so difficult for him. After spending our time with his family, he finally tell his family that he want to take me home. It was 6 p.m and it’s still too early to be at home. I was a bit unsatisfied since we barely spend the time for just the two of us.

However, after we reach the car, he only move the car and park it somewhere further – one where his family wouldn’t notice. “I’ll take you home later, let’s spend some time together”, he said. For a while, I was just resting myself since I do feel kinda tired. He too, was doing the same while staring at me.

What?”, I said. “Nah, just wondering how can you be so cute”, he answered. Without giving me time to blush, he took my hand and kiss it for quite long. He, then, move my hand around his face while closing his eyes. “This feels nice. So calm and relaxing”, he continued. Later, my hand is never out of his hand and his kisses. Inside, I was contradicting. I knew that he like me so much. Of course, he has lust for me, but I also realize he loves me. Realizing that make it hard for me to shove his hand.

You know, if it’s another man, I would’ve scold him for even holding my hand. Let alone kissing”, I said. “But, you let me. Why?”, he wondered. “Well, you are my husband and all.. Or would you rather have me refusing your touch?”, I answered while half heartedly pulling my hand. “No! No, no, no, no, no! I’d like you to refuse letting go off my hand, not refusing my hand”, He responded while holding my hand so tight. He continued kissing my hand and taking his time in every kisses.

Torture, this.

I know I have to stop him, but this feels so nice. I want to pull my hand, but I don’t have the heart to do so after looking at his blissful expression.

Without asking for my permission, he kissed my forehead. Not once, not twice. A few times until I moves a bit too far from his reach. We talked some more, and he keep on holding my hand. I was putting my bag on my lap. To my surprise, he put his head on my lap.

Baby?”, I tried to shake him off. He didn’t move. Well, he was tired so I let him be. While he sleep off his sleepiness for a bit, I played with his hair. “You know, doing all this, spoiling me and letting me doing the same, feeling my touch – full of affection – and touching me, won’t this makes thing harder for you when our time is up?”, I wondered. He look at me and sat properly. “No, I guess.. I’ll focus to my job on the day. But, I would miss this so much when the night come..”, he answered. “Shall I drive you home?”, he continued.

This, you, torture.

I got addicted to him. It’s kinda hard to get home.

He looked at me while laughing. “It’s hard for me too. If you asked, I would rather not let you home. I want you to sleep over at my house and spend our time together until sleep time.. Ah, why is our wedding day so far away?”, He looked pained while counting our big day which only less than 2 month away.

He moves closer, kissed my forehead as if he can’t get enough of it. He moves down and kiss my cheek which makes me afraid. To hide my fears, I pretend to be angry. “Baby? Love, are you angry? Don’t be, Okay..? I won’t do it so much. Promise. Love..?”, he said. “Well, time to go home?”, he asked while smiling – realizing that I mind the thought. ”If you don’t want to, I’ll kiss you some more”, he continued while laughing.

I pinched his cheek and smile. Off we go, to my home. The closer my home is, the more random grumble I threw. That make things hard for him too. Why should I be the only one tortured for being separated for the day? He too have to suffer the same! Hahaha!!

We reach my house in no time and we both get into the house. He has to say goodbye to my parent and also saying thanks for letting him having me all day. He also want to ask for permission to take me with him tomorrow.

“Assalamualaikum Mom, Dad.”, he said.

Hey fiance! Have a safe trip to padang! I am a bit too tired to keep you company but we’ll see each other at noon. Drive safely, and if you are bored, call me! Love you my one!

The Sweet Him – in English

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Ah.. I’m kind of a bit too emotional tonight.

Let’s continue our phone-date tomorrow okay?

I’ll just let you know that I’m switching off the internet on this cellphone,

And I’ll turn off the other phone.

Talk to you letter sweetie.

:kiss”

I switch off my phone right away and turn off the internet on the other phone. Right when I was wondering whether I should turn that cellphone off too, his text come:

Your phone, switch it on.”, he said.

What is it? You want to talk about something?”, I asked.

Turn it on, please.”, he answered.

Okay..”, I replied.

As soon as my text reach him, as soon as I switch on my just-turned-off cellphone, he called me. I hold my breath, I tried to hide my trembling voice.

What’s wrong love?

I’m scared. So very am. She, she just talk to me.

What did she said?

I can’t tell..

It’s okay, calm down. I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you..

I know, I know but I’m scared.

But I’ll be there and be responsible for you. What are you feeling afraid for?

I can’t shake the fear away. Somehow, I feel so terribly sad. How immature of me right?

That.. has nothing to do with maturity. It just, you are so fragile, and I understand that. Did you know, the reason why you are so sad right now? Because you are a very patient. You tried to hold everything inside, alone. Once you feel so tired, everything just exploded and you can’t stop your sadness. I understand that. I am just like that..

Ah, but I hate showing this side of me to others. Can you just pretend not knowing my current state and leave me alone?

I can’t.

Listen, from now on. Don’t hide your tears. If you feel like crying, do it in front of me. I’ll give you hugs and kisses until you feel better. I’ll listen to your pain. Do not hide away whenever you are in pain. I am your man. It’s my responsibility to shed your tears.

See? You are laughing already. Had I left you alone, I’m sure you’ll cry yourself to sleep. And me? I’ll stay awake all night wondering is my love doing okay over there. Aren’t I amazing?

Yeah.. ahaha. Still, I don’t like the fact that you know this side of me.

That’s okay. All of you, I want to know it all. And it’s not like I’ll tease you by calling you a cry baby anyway right? I’d rather have a woman who likes to cry rather than one who is good in martial art. At least when you are being emotional, I won’t have to accept your kicks and punches. Ahaha

Dummy -.-

But you love me right?

I never said so.

(laugh)

 

Mc. Dreamy – in English

Don’t have a shopping list? Nah, I beg to disagree. It is okay to have a shopping list. We can’t just blindly accept any man that come to us, right? However, please check whether you are worthy of your shopping list before asking for an outrageous list. I know that God grant us what we wishes, but that only happen if we worth it.

I used to insist on not casting my shopping list – the list that I want from my dream man. This is why I do not want to get married to my long history ex. He barely meet any of my list. Maybe if there are 10 condition, he only manage to make 2 of them. Way too few. I realize that people have flaws, that I am not that perfect to be picky. However, I also realize that even the not-so-precious me have my own worth.

You know what? My current man, my other half, is the very picture of my dream man. Of course he has his share of flaws but it’s nothing compare to all his good trait. Not to mention that I even get a few other bonus that I mentioned to my friend or family jokingly. I guess.. he is the answer of my prayer.

So, what kind of prayer did I said all these years, to be granted such a great man? This is my prayer

O Allah, the creator of all. Please grant me the chance, the courage and the capability. So I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be, so I can live the life I’ve always want to live, so I can cherish my utmost important one

O Allah, the one who own all the beauty. Please beautify my heart and my faith toward Allah. Please beautify my words and my personality, please beautify my rationality and my knowledge, please beautify my body and soul. Please, O Allah, let me become the most beautiful creation on your earth. And when the time come, please chose you best creation, to be my other half, to live by my side as my husband

If, he is too good for me, then help me to become worthy of him. If, I am too good for him, please help him to become worthy of me. I trust your decision. You know best what I need the most

If I were to look closely, maybe what I’ve been through recently, is God’s way to make me worthy of him. It’s Allah way to make me much wiser, more patience, more faith, more tolerance, more of everything. But His way wasn’t easy, I was wounded terribly inside. That is why Allah grant me a man who is actually capable of healing me.

On his side, he was suffering too, almost as long as mine. It makes him realize how rare a woman like me is. It makes him see what he can’t see before. It makes him capable to find me precious. Just like me, his lesson was terribly painful too. That is why, Allah grant him a woman who is actually capable of healing him.

It’s like a miracle when you see how we find each other as our most precious gift. Irreplaceable.

I do not know if I am his mc.dreamy, but yeah, he is my mc.dreamy.