I just read a post in the blog of one of my closest friend. She was writing about her current situation where she feels like she is suffering depression and how this depression has messed up her life.
Before you understand how does it feels to be depressed, it is hard to comprehend how one problem could drive someone so bad. People feels like they too are suffering from some problem and yet they survive anyway. Some other would feels like they understood the hardship of other even when the fact is, they don’t. Others would feel irritated and find you as a complainer whom can’t seem to be satisfied and make the most of what you have.
As a self proclaim ex-depressed, let me tell you something: you have no idea how depression kills.
I used to be by side of a friend who was in a terrible state that this person actually attempt to committed suicide while I’m not around. It freaks me out. I frankly feel like I’m holding a very fragile form of life whom I can’t divert my eyes from even for just one second. I can’t relate. I can’t understand. Why could this person be so stupid and make such a careless decision just because of a problem that can be solved? Just why?
However I understand that it is hard to completely relate and understand one’s situation. Thus, it is completely normal if I find it hard to feel what they feel. Unfortunately, I ended up gaining the ability of understanding the struggles of the depression sooner than I expect..
Exactly 6 month after I started to work in one of a biggest private company in my country, I started to think that I need some adventure and started to chase my passion – working abroad. I tried, I prayed. Just my luck, I have to face the one problem I really want to avoid. If possible, I prefer dying than facing this one problem. But the choice is never mine. Ready or not I have to face the disagreement with my parent. I was doomed.
It would be easy if I can fight.
It would be easy if I can do what I have to do.
It would be easy if I can solve it selfishly and get away with it.
But I can’t.
Because my parent, my family are my most precious treasure. They worth more, much much more than my life. If I were to have thousands life, I would give up all those life just for a few second of their happiness. That’s why I have to struggle.
I don’t want to live in an empty life.
I don’t want to lose my family either.
All I can do is to wait, endless wait and prays.
I am a baby of a sad mother, which explain my lack of self-value. I have always struggle between admitting that I am loved and admitting that I am an existence whom should have never exist. No matter how hard I tried, I can’t understand the feeling of being loved. It becomes so bad that I conclude love is equal to lust. I do not understand the feeling of love and can’t never understand it in a lifetime.
In a slip of tongue, during the time of anger, the most precious person for me told me that I am the thorn in their life. Were it not for me, their life would not be so disastrous. What worse is, that person just have to be my mother.
Drunk, Kid, and Angry people are three honest people. Those were honest words that was out of her lips countless time. She didn’t mean to hurt me, but she mean what she said.
That kills me.
It gets harder with so many temptation.
I can run away.I fight this desire for so many times. I can’t stop imagining how easy my life would be if I can just walk away. But I would lose them.
I can kill myself. But would I chose to be shame of her life until my last breath? That would make me the most shameless child for making her parent be ashamed of her until the end.
I STARTED TO HIT MY HEAD.
I SLAM MY BODY TO THE WALL
I CAN’T EAT WITHOUT VOMITING ALL OF THEM.
I CAN’T SLEEP.
I HAVE NIGHTMARES THAT MAKES ME AFRAID OF CLOSING MY EYES.
I LITERALLY STRUGGLE TO BREATH ALL DAY.
FINALLY, I PRAYED FOR A TERRIBLE ILLNESS WITH NO CURE JUST SO I CAN END THIS HELL FASTER.
I am so tempted to poison myself. I miss the day of waking up feeling refreshed. I get used to the pain on my back and shoulder all day long. I get used to a terrible pain in my chest every morning. I cried randomly and lose the ability to get a hold of my self.
The clock is ticking, people are walking toward something but I am stuck here. I can’t move.
I am scared.
I heard a loud buzzing in my ears, my head is always dizzy.
I just really want all these to be over.
I want to die.
Depression is never about what makes them so depressed, it’s about the pain that they suffer. You can even get depressed about losing what seems so worthless. The cause might seems unbelievable but the pain is real. It’s harder because you tend to hide it.
Depressed people would hide their pain and when they can’t hide it anymore, they’ll hide themselves. When even hiding themselves did not work out, they’ll hide in a faraway places – in the afterlife.
There is no cure for depression, you just have to save yourself before it get worse. Help yourself or ask for help. Don’t let it corrupt your soul.
Believe me, there is no end to depression. You might finally move on and started to smile, however you depression will never go away. Your happiness might overshadow your sadness but that’s it. You might ended up like me with tendencies to be offended and a lot of confusion.
Maybe because you are too careful, it’s hard to understand why one is right and why one is wrong. It might be just others selfishness but since you tend to think that you are in the wrong, you’ll be in a huge confusion. You feel offended but you are confused whether it is okay for you to feel offended. You’ll pile it up inside but then, you might (seem) randomly cried for something (seems) unreasonable.
You’ll never cure depression.
You can stop its corruption, you can slow it down, but you can’t erase it.
You’ll live with it for the rest of your life.
Stop depression before it stop you.
You are loved, You are enough.
And I (am trying to) believe that myself.
You too will survive.