I’m sorry for being so dull. I’m sorry for being so insensitive. I’m sorry for not behaving the way you want me to. I’m sorry for not being able to express love the way you want me to. I’m sorry for every expectation that turn out nothing. I’m sorry for not being able to be the person you always want me to. I am sorry mom, and you everyone.
Trust me, I’m trying for years to change my personality, I rush it, I want to be mature as soon as it would take. I stop crying. I stop complaining. I started to learn to be patient. I started to lock every story that would harm me. I started to avoid and walk on the safe place. I think way too much, I think way too far. I learned what does it takes to be alive.
Trust me, me too want to express my love. Through my smile and touch, through my word and body, through hugs and kisses. But I just don’t know how. Sometimes I even get scared of love and affection. All the time I spend my life running away from those who love me. I’m afraid of falling in love, so I lock my heart. I though, that way I’ll never got hurt. But times teach me that I was wrong. So I manage to unlock it. But somehow it feels like “hey, too late buddy! Cold as ice, you lock me so this is what I’ve become.”
Even when there’s a pair of warm hand who will hold me, I avoid their touch. Even when there’s a warm hug who will warm the heart inside of me, I push my self away from their hug. And since I know mom, you love it, for having me hugging you, I try so much to get used to it. But I’m still that fitri. The one who get scared when someone hug her.
God, help me.
Trust me, I’m trying to have all your expectation become true. I even ignore my own ego, I do ignore my own desire. So please forgive me when I got mad and desperate for you telling me how disappointed you at me. I force my self to love every stuff you bought for me since I was small mom, and yet you keep on saying how selfish I am. I try my best to tolerate every promise that you broke, so forgive me when I get sad every second you tell how not-understanding I am.
Trust me, buddy I love you with all my heart, I do. So even when you mad at me please remember I do mad at you but I just never say. For making you angry, trust me I get my own reason. And such a heroic reason, would you bother to listen and believe? You won’t, that’s why I never tell. In my life I tired of explaining and having people never believe in me. So when I walk away from you please understand that I’ve had enough. It’s not like ‘I don’t need you anymore’ or something like that. I do feel lonely to walk away. But I’d rather protect my self than having you around while you keep on hurting me without even realize it.
God, help me.
I’m sorry if I’m not the person you’d imagine I was. I cry for 1 line: “I am with you because I want to be with you, no matter how and who you are and no matter how much you will change”. I cry every time you try to peek my history. I deny every love that you express. I try not to get attach to anything, person or things. I think such love, trust, understanding and caring are so luxury for me. So I better not expect it too much.
And I’m sorry for having you disappointed at me and have to said line like: “why do you change?”. Maybe I never change, It’s just I used to hide the real me. It’s just in real life, I am a great actress. Even me my self, sometimes hate my self. So i did understand if you hate a few part of me. And for that, I can only say sorry.
Trust me, I try to satisfy everyone, I do. But satisfying everyone is mission impossible. So when I have to set priorities, I am sorry not to have you on my priority. Me too want to be somebody’s priority, but when it never happen I can’t blame them. As well as you, you can’t blame me. I’m sorry for not having you on my priority.
God, help me.
The truth is everyday my heart is screaming. “HELP ME”. But I don’t even know which part of me that need so much help.
The truth is everyday there’s always a second when my heart crying asking for this wound to heal. But I have no idea how to heal it.
The truth is everyday I want somebody to be here beside me, but I’m too afraid of getting close. So I never let anybody close enough to hurt me. And for that, there’s a pain in my heart and my throat that keep on singing every time I restrain my self.
I keep on saying God help me, God help me, Please help me.
But the mirror said, nothing in me ever change. Nothing in me ever healed. Nothing in me ever helped. And I am still a big mess…