God, Thank you for every breath that you’ve blessed.
For every chance to open my eyes each morning, thank you.
For every chance to wish my prayer, thank you.
For every help when I am down, thank you.
For giving me so much support and keep me alive, thank you.
My life is not a mess, there was time like that but just a few years. For that few years haunting me, I let my self being an arrogance human who doesn’t even seek for your help. As if my strength alone is enough. As if the whole world have abandoned me. As if I forget that you will always be by my side.
God, there are thousand of smiles, and laughs, and joyous moments, and tears of happiness. For each of that, thank you.
And blessed with mom and dad’s love, blessed with two little sisters who loved me so much. Having all that family who keep coming onto me no matter how much I ran, thank you.
Because, aren’t you always spoil me? Giving me only the best. Giving me only what I really want. Then, maybe even if I ran, could it be that deep down I want them to stay with me no matter what?
God, I drench my self under the rain, not to hide my tears since I don’t cry, just a simple wish that all these simple troubles will wash away.
And I play under the sun, not to show the world my smile, just a simple wish that the sun will come down and play with me.
I used to be alone, and I stay lonely.
God, you bless me, in every breath, bu why do I feel tired?
Mom pours me with her love, even when it hurt each time she got mad, it suffocates me when she hug. Mom loves it when she get to touch me. She likes it when I hug her, when I kisses her, when I hold her hand, but why do I have to be a bad girl? Why do I have to be uncomfortable with anyone touches? Why can’t I make exceptional for my own mother?
God, mother sacrifices lot of things, she hurt her heart, she cried a lot, why did she have to do that much for me? Yet I lived my life as a selfish kid, I asked for toys, I asked for attention, I asked for expensive foods, I asked her a lot of promises and break her heart by telling I can’t believe in her promises since she mostly break it. Why can’t I understand that she has a lot to deal with? Why should I be a self-centered kid?
And father, despite he yelled and hit me, he understand me. So why can’t I treat him better, why can’t I talk to him much then now? Why do I have to treat him different than mom? Why do I have to be so unjust and so unfair? He worked day and night so he can feed me. Why do I have to this kind of women.
God, Why do I feel so tired? I feel tired and even more tired as the time passes. My life is so much blessed so why do I feel tired? My life is so great then why does it so hard to hold my tears in crowded? I really want to surrounded my self with a tiny wall so I can cry whenever and wherever as I please. I am tired of looking after my self, why does it feel this hard? Is it suppose to be this hard?
I am tired of shielding my own self, but if not me then who will? I am tired of holding my tears, but then what’s the point of crying. My tears won’t change anything so why would I feel the need to waste it?
God, sometimes I want an umbrella when I drench my self under the rain. Sometimes I wish there would be a well when I dried my self. Sometimes I wish there are a wall right behind me so I won’t fall when I lay back. Sometimes I wish I could jump from the mountain and scream as I wish so when I reach down, I will feel all fresh. Sometimes I wish there would be a hand to take me a way from this sad me. Sometimes I wish there would be a certificates that allowed me to smile because no one would take this happiness away from me.
My body go numb, and it is hard to breath, almost faint hundreds times so I tell my self to breath. Breath! Breath and I’ll stay alive. But god, sometimes, even to breath is become harder than I know. Even a simple thing as breath require a lot of energy. As I want to breath, at the same time a voice tells me to stop. Is breathing suppose to be this hard?
God, will I stay this tired? I want to grab happiness, but why does it scares me? What so scary from happiness that I need to fear it so much? Why do I have to run away from it? My head hurts, I can’t think of any reason why do I have to be alone. Why do I have to create distances?
Would I be better of die anyway?
I know, you must get mad at me for ever have that kind of thought. And I dare to have that thought for so many times. On my birthday instead of celebrate it I asked my self: “what is so good about being born? The world is better of if I never born. My mother and father wont have to suffer as much as they did. The peoples who have met me won’t got trouble as much as I gave them. Is there any people who feels so blessed to meet me anyway?”. So I don’t understand, why celebrate it?
In every valentine, I asked my self: “Why celebrate it? Love never exist”
In every new year, I said to my self: “It just another day, and another trouble, why celebrate it?”
In every word I said, life makes me run out of energy, and I am tired. As impossible as I believe, somehow I wish there exist a shelter where I can rest. If it needs a miracle for me just to find a shelter, then take every bit of happiness in me, but built me a shelter in return. Doesn’t need to be great, as long as I can rest in it for a while then it fine. Take my breath away if it needed, create this miracle with every trace of life in me, I just wish for a simple shelter..
S.O.S, God, why can’t I save my self?