We all have our own dream, something to ease our pain, something to keep us from falling apart, something to push us forward.
And I dream of a few moments, ah, a lot moments. A lot moments that I do not dare to write down. Part of me find it impossible, another part of me ashamed of that dream alone. But, for what it worth, maybe I’ll try to write it down with wishes in mind: “May there comes a day when I read this post, and I say to my self, all dreams come true”.
First, I dream of a moment when I step my foot in German for the first time. I will stop for a while, trying to remember the smell of this place, trying to create all picture of things that I see on my mind. And I am crying at that moment saying to my self: “Finally, German is not only a name o f a country on the map. Finally I am here“.
Second, I dream of a moment where I and my friend go out together, complaining about how hard out dream job is, but still can’t help and keep on loving doing it. For some unknown reason, we are addicted to this job. We would talk in group, letting those stranger give us their confused eyes for they don’t understand the words we said. It’s a moment when 8 hours feels like a few minutes. Even when we are outside, our work would still remain in our mind.
Third, I dream of a moment when I see my family having our quality time in the house I build. Looking at my sister sitting on our cozy sofa while having mama to scold her for being lazy, and papa would just enjoy his coffee and just laugh at the noise around him.
Forth, I dream of having a person where I can be whole and relieve, so much that I can’t stop to cry. Would such a person exist? As a friend? As a senior? As my man? Can I have such a dream? If I am allowed to beg, I’ll beg that person to be my man. Well, my pride would be in the way. Definitely, my logic won’t let me be so low just to make such a person to be by my side. But, can’t I even dream of it? I’ve never pursued such happiness, do not even dare to dream about it. But now that I have some courage, am I still not worthy enough to wish for it?
Fifth, I dream of a moment when I get married and said to my self: see? marriage could be fun too. who says getting marry is a trouble. Then I will see my man and tell him right to his eyes: I love you, and I trust you. Again such an impossible dream. But, just let me dream please?
Six, I dream of a moment when I got pregnant and scared, but he is there with his happy face, thanking me and rejoice, bragging about how he would be a father. Even when I do not have the confidence, I wish him to tell me that I will make a great mother. In every fear he hold my hand and keep on telling me that I do just fine, everything is okay, and will stay okay.
Seventh, I dream about a moment when my man would sit next to me, under the roof enjoying the rain. I would smell and remember how nostalgic a grass and the road could be. You would hum some lullaby. Better yet you would sing some song, intentionally playing some crappy music on your favorite guitar or Piano. I would then get wild and ask you to make a tent outside, I will prepare something nice to drink and some snack. We would act like a child dancing under the rain. For the first time in my life I will no longer afraid of lightning or thunder, since you are here in my life.
Eighth, there will also be a moment when we flirt and fight. We act like a teenager. Even when we know we are in the wrong and being illogical, since it’s you, since it’s me, we act spoiled. We say sorry and fight again. But no matter what, not even a million fight would chase our love away.
Ninth, to be smiling all relieve for the first time after so many years. And the key of all my dream is Love and trust. But that what makes it impossible. I am incapable of loving or trusting. For now, this moments will stay as dream. Or so it seems.