I’m okay every time you ask me to find my self a lover. It’s really simple. Any man will do, and I’ve never picky to begin with. As long as they have courage to ask me, well I’m him. Though most of them got scared since I gave a lot of hints that I am hard to please..

But as for marriage, it’s a whole different story. I just don’t wanna get married. Not yet. I am not yet the person who sees marriage as a good choice. Instead, I am always afraid that by getting married I will lost my dream and my hope. I might go astray walking the path I never want to walk down.

It might not seem that way, but I’ve been living my life giving my best for other. In those harsh fate, I tried to steal a chance or two to feel freedom. It tasted so great. And for whatever it worth, I do not want to let go of it, not yet. I still wanna be single and mingle. Who’s to say that getting married before 25 is a must?

Then again, you said that you understand me the most. Why did you keep on changing your mind then? I tried to talk to you, but you are just so hard to persuade. If your decision is unchangeable then, what’s the point try talking to me? If your word is absolute, when what I want have nothing to say at all, why sweat trying to persuade me? Even if I always walk the path you’ve chose, there’s a limit of how long, how much, you can decide my life. Mom, please go easy on me..

It’s funny how you got mad about meaning behind my word when I didn’t mean anything at all. It funny when you act all understanding before and say that I can do this and that. So funny because you claim to know me the best yet you got it all wrong.

Since when am I capable of saying harsh word as I please? If you find it odd that i used such words, then why didn’t you start to wonder as to why I’m cornered and end up saying all that? Why am I the only one in the wrong here? It’s hard on me when you keep punishing me that way, blinded about how wrong you do me..

If it about how you were afraid that someday you might die and you wish that there are someone around who will protect me, then do you forget that we still have ALLAH? God will protect me best, way better then any man would do. Beside, it’s an old news for me to struggle alone. Since I was small, did I came crying to you that much? And that whole time when we parted, all those misery that I felt, did I tell you about them? And when I finally got admitted at a uni, other than financial support, wasn’t I basically living on my own? Plus that time after I worked, I am totally stand on my own feet right? Hardship is nothing new to me, even if to you I might seems so fragile, did this fragile self ever intentionally make herself look so fragile in front of you?

And then you curse me for working, about how low my salary is, about how I would never pay the money you’ve spend for my study. Mom, why did you let me go to uni then? I would listen to your words and bury my desire to continue my study if you say so. But you let me, and every time I said sorry for spending your money you said that it’s okay. Why did you lie to me? You should’ve say so, that I am so stupid, too stupid for wasting your money.

Mom, remember the time when you used to scold me for having score below 90% in my test? That for you, your child should be smart, should be talented, should grasp meaning of every idiom you’ve said? Well mom, if you look closely, I am smarter than most student. But for you it’s still not enough right? So I change, my attitude, my everything. It is not something such a child would be capable of. To you, that effort, can’t you even see it?

I am sorry for asking to continue my study to master degree. But you are contradicting your self so much mom. Before, you even insist to pay my college tuition if I am accepted in one of college in Australia, which will cost a lot. As time flows by, after working for a while, I feel a need to study on master degree level. Since you used to support me about study abroad, I though about continue my master degree in Indonesia so it would cost less. I have no idea you will find me selfish for that..

And I am sorry for saying this, but as I grew older, a question keep on appearing in my mind: “why did you give birth to me?”. I feel that my existence have always been a disappointment to you, but to this extent? Enough so you would be so mad this way? Mom, I have no need to cling to life, nor do I ever want to be born. I know that I am a burden and I hate that. I tried my best so you would like me, so you would be thankful for having me, I just want you to recognize me. But my effort were never felt and seen. Am I only a bad child after all? Whenever my birthday approach all I can think of only a question of “why?”, why did you gave birth to me?

Mom, this life that you gave me, this life that I got by making you suffer almost to dead, I DO NOT WANT IT. I am sorry that I am a girl when all you want is a boy. I am sorry as a baby I cried a lot. Should I make a list of how much a disappointment I was? But you won’t feel happy at all no matter how much I tortured my self right? Mom, misery is never a misery for me, unless it comes from you. You are my only world when to me you are the one I trust the most.

But sorry mom, after all this, your punishment feels really good to me. Since after you stop talking to me, I never have to torture my self trying talking to you.

Mom, I am afraid.

I am afraid of marriage.

Why did you push me to the corner without trying to understand why I keep on running away? Just because other keep bugging you to get me married? You chose to listen to them over me? But I am your child. And you know how much I hate the world, how much I didn’t care about my self, how much I hate my self.

Please mom, do not destroy me.