Life, was it suppose to be like this?
It was all my choice, do I regret it? But it was all for the best, yet why do I feel uneasy?
I really wish not to write anything like this anymore, I even wish not to think like this anymore, bu how did I end up at this place? Is this the place that I’ve always want to be? Then why do I feel like leaving this world?
How come there are no longer any place for me around? How come I feel like I’m losing my home. Right here in my room, right here in my place, why do I feel like disappearing? I am standing straight but somehow I can’t feel the ground. I am not even flying, every time I open my eyes I keep on wishing that the world I’m living in is just a dream. When I wake up, I’ll be in my place again. But how come this dream never end? How come I keep on losing my place? If there are no place to return to, if I have to keep wandering like this, what’s the point of waking up every morning?
There was a day when everything are unbearable, so I seek for a place. I check my cellphone but no one, no one can ease my burden. So I silently put my cellphone back and breath heavily. Live, live, even when there is no goal, just live. All of my place, I push them away. Those who care, I ran away from them. Those who are precious, I hurt them. Those who will cry with me, I do not dare to burden them. I do not want to say it for it feels like I admit it, I feel lonely.
There are millions of people, yet it feel empty. My sisters keep talking to me, and hug me, but yet it feels cold. At night I keep on saying I am content with myself. But for the first time in my life, I really want a hand to help me. What do I do? At time like this I really want a hand just to held me. At this time I really want some warmth so it won’t feel so cold. What to do? I spend my whole day sleeping as much as I can. I wish not to be awake to much. 24 hours used to be so short, now I can even stand 1 minutes. What do I do?
I have always try to put a certain distance with other. I have always make sure to put a wall between me and other. I convince myself that I come to this world alone, so I should be fine by myself. I believe that this dangerous world would hurts me a lot, so I keep no precious people. I believe family is the only person I have to hold on to. Doesn’t matter if the whole world hate me as long as I can keep my family happy. Never refuse who come, never chase who leave, that how it always been. Never have a tie, always keep it loose, nothing serious, that how my relationship with other has been. Never believe in anyone, never spoiled my heart, intentionally I live my life as a loner.
I do not want to be alone.
But I am afraid of people, I am afraid of happiness.
I tend to give all my heart, what if this person break it apart? Mending a broken heart has always been a casual things, until I can’t tell anymore. I can’t tell why my eyes is crying, I can’t tell why I can’t breath. Every reason I have seems to be never enough, bu my body spoil my heart a lot. I can’t understand it. It’s unbearable to have a happy dream and realize it was a dream right away because it was too good to be true. Yet this happy things I yearn a lot was things that people get a lot, things that people might find annoying, what I wouldn’t do to have it back. Give me back my place. I am so tired. I can’t go on like this.
You tell me, you ask me to love myself. But my precious, I am already fall to the extend where I resent my existences. I regret that the day I were born exist. I feel sorry for coming to your life. Since I was a baby and until now, I never fail to make you cry, Yet I am named as your life of happiness. I am sorry, I am losing my light. A candle that lose it’s light, doesn’t deserve to be exist. I am sorry. Just because I never show doesn’t mean that I am okay, My sole reason for life has leave me and I try so hard everyday not to harm myself. Please have mercy.
This is not a life to me. I miss life. I might not want to get attached to people, but I miss them. I might not get close to other, but I miss the way they want me to spoil them. Yet I am too tired. I am too busy to stop myself from hating me more, I am too busy to stop myself from putting myself in more harm. Let go of me. I want to forget everything, my past, my memories, my life, I want to forget everything. I want to erase me from this life and start a new, but I don’t know how.
I wish I was a dumb person who wont be so careful. I wish I would let he world hurt me and cry, cry myself out and forget it. But I didn’t, I hold my tears and by times it’s getting more painful. I wish I would let people come to me, let them betray me, hate them, fight with them, and then I would reconcile with them. But I didn’t, once is enough, I never let people close enough to betray me. I push those who hold me dear away, all of them. It was hard to endure everything by myself but I survive. Because at that time, I have a home to return to.
Had I knew this would happen, I will let them stay. Had I see this coming, I will let them hold my hand. Thank god I still have my reason, else I might lose it and run. Like how I used to I would seek for a light warmth. Like how it used to be when there are no place to cry, I might go around forcing myself to forget all of that. Now that we are talking about it, my memories are all blurry. It might be because those memories are not worthy enough to be remember. Have I waste my life? But I have always believe that I can stand alone, that I will never seek for help. But why do I feel sad? Should I open my eyes the next morning? How about the morning after that? How long do I have to keep on opening my eyes every morning?
I never have strong desire to live but I do feel kind of pity if I just die. But now, not only I do not cling to life, I even feel sorry to others for being alive.. All my life, for all my life, will I keep on hating myself? For all my life, will I never find a reason to be alive? Is there no one who would feel lost if I die? But, wasn’t that the reason why I distant myself from other anyway? So no one would be aware of it if I am no longer around.
But you know, this spoiled heart keeps on wishing one selfish thing. “Just one, one person would be enough, love me so I would live. Just one, one reason would be enough, give me so I would live. Otherwise, it would be too much for me. Killing me is way kinder than letting me dying and suffer for a long time. I do not wish for life. But don’t let me wish to die..”