Girls my age have started to think about having a serious relationship years ago.
Girls my age have started to go crazy about man and finding their true love long long time ago.
Not that I did not see the starting line, I did. But it never charms me enough to get closer. I believe that there was no point on wasting my time over such a trivial thing. I believe that love is not the word that exist in my dictionary.
Because when you guys have enough space to spare for another guy, I just can seem to find a room for that. And when most of us are busy crying over a broken heart of a failure love relationship, I was busy trying not breaking my heart in getting recognition from my parent. So when you have a whole list of precious people that can make you cry, to me I only have two name that is strong enough to kill my very soul – mother and father.
Sadly till the end, I cannot even dream about being a daughter they can be proud of. As they spoke the words of resentment toward me I cant help but wonder: “Am I that worse? Am I that disgusting? Am Inot suppose to be exist? Is it that impossible for me to protect a smile of one person? How can I love this being – me – that keep on hurting others? Should I just disappear foreve? And if I were to die, wont there even be one person who will cry for me? Or will they all laugh with joy for no longer have to see me?”
But then I see a bitter fact. The only way to keep them from hating me is killing any dream I have, and just be obedient meet a guy and be his wife.
There were only a little number of guy that I ever see as a man. And now I’m forced to live a life that I hate the most. This is what I’ve become for refusing, a silent world, a lonely home. I’ve always feel like walking at the edge. Each time, each time, I never expect other to pull me to the safe side. I just want them not to push me down, to just leave me be. Because I never believe in others kindness – too scary for me.
But now that one of those person, the only people who can kill me just push me. I fall down. Each time I try to climb up this person will be there on alert asking me: “will you go to that starting line?”. And she push me down for keep on saying no.
But you know what? No matter how painful to be push away like that. What hurt me the most are, that she doesn’t care how much I bleed. Even if I have broken ribs and bones, or even if my appereance become unrecognizable, the fact that she is capable of pushing me again without a care, kill my soul each time that I hope this time I would die.
I am afraid of dying. But this pain is unbearable. Even if I want to, I cant see a wall to protect me. There are never a roof to keep me from rain and sun. All I have was a ground so I can stand straight.
That ground, why was it taken away from me? Was my existence that worthless to have such luxury? Have I ever ask for a wall or roof to protect me? There are a lot of people who are not worthy of such happiness, yet they got them without knowing how priceless those life they have. I cant help to ask why not me? Do I not deserve not to be hurt to such extend?
I am going crazy anyway. should I start going that way? Yeah? Nope?