What I want the most is not money. Not a man. Not a great job. Not to be someone who everyone love to brag about.
What I want the most, what I’ve always struggling for is always you. For my whole life, it’s always about you.
When you suddenly spoil me and talk softly to me while I was crying, I was secretly happy. I was happy and want to feel it more so I kept on crying. Even if your patience didn’t last long, even if you end up throwing the plate that you hold, that memory is precious enough that I can remember it vividly even when it happen a really long time ago..
When I feel how terrible the line that separate us, i tried desperately to erase it. I told you lies of how incredible my school life was just so I can have things to talk to you. I put your happiness before mine.
So it’s unbearable to be told how selfish I was when I crazily push myself to be so selfless just so you would acknowladge me. It’s unbearable to be told that I was and am a disappointment when I push myself so bad to change to your taste. It’s unbearable to be told that I made your life a disaster full of torture when I tried my bestest to put your self before me.. It’s totally unbearable to see that this close relationship that I fought so hard to protect would break apart so easily just like that.
It’s totally unbearable to see that distance and hatred in your eyes. It’s unbearable to see you forcing a smile and lough while your eyes shows me how heartbreaking my existance have been.
It’s unbearable that I wish to die..
I used to think that I will welcome all those torture that you gave to atone my sin but I just keep on wishing that in time you can see just how heartbreaking you’ve hurt me.
I wish that you can be just like me to try erasing all my sins and take a good look at me..
This hand that felt uncomfortable of your hug and touches are trembling in fear of letting go.
I do not mind if you kill me.. and if you choke me, if that ever happen, I will not resist at all..
This life is yours. If you want to take it so be it.
But do you want to hurt me? Or is this just your way of healing the wound that I’ve inflict? Did you hate me that much? I am sorry for coming to your life.. But all i did was only seeking for your love, asking you desperately to look at me..
You’ve gave all the luxury. But this luxury is not what I need. I am sinfull for wishing for your heart. No matter how much you told me that you love me why is that I am not convinced? Am I that much of a monster after all? Am I that disgusting after all? Am I that ugly after all?
I dont want to question this but I cant help but wonder, for what purpose am I alive? I am definitely afraid of death but I am not particularly happy abiut being alive.. Why havent I found it? My sole reason for being alive is only my wishfull thinking. To have that fact shove to my face, I felt a great sense of losing.. I want a reason. I want a reason why am I deserve to open my eyes every morning. Just a reason. Is that too much to ask? God, I am begging you, give me a reason.. Walking around without destination is exausting.. I cant bear it..