There are times when I find that the music that I play on my laptop is too loud when I can barely hear it. There are times when I can’t sleep at night, can’t relax nor stay clam just because there’s no sound at all around me. There are times when I find that this house is too big and scary and don’t wanna be left alone. There are times when I find being with my family is just too much that I would escape to y bedroom.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t understand myself. There are just too much contradiction. It feels like I am the only one standing in the grey zone while every other keep on pulling me either to the white or the black side. It feels like I am insisting to be in between when I should stand at one side once and for all. It also feels like I’m staying at the world where there’s no color when people keep telling me how beautiful the view is. So whenever we got to places, I get this feeling “I’ve been here”. Instead of wishing for the best I could enjoy I end up always preparing myself for the worst that might never come. Bad fortune always has his way you know? When I keep on preparing myself for him, he never fail to show up. In time, I couldn’t even tell if he really is a bad one. All that I know whether “this is the worst by far” or “I’ve been worst”.
I read all of the my post on this blog. I try to see what kind of person who wrote all those thing in my blog and I dunno if I can conclude it since the conclusion wasn’t that pretty.. My conclution was, there are somthing in general that I lack as a person. I am dry, that makes me incomplete.
I could be envious of my friend who seems to have a promising future, a promising future husband, and a promising life, a dream I would give up anything just to have it. I could be envious of my friend who seems to live her life, broke her heart and fall in love, complain about things, cry about things, and then laugh and be happy, things that I am completely incapable of. I envy of both of them and I have no idea how to be envy. I am wishing the best for both of them, I am wishing to be happy with both of them, but some part of me are just too afraid to let me show any of my feeling. I am used to be alone, but I’ve just take me being with them for granted. What if the day comes when I have to let us be apart..? It would come eventually because this is life, but I let them in too far. When I never show people what inside, I show them too much that they could easily tell how I might react to things. I don’t even know how I feel toward them anymore..
I could be envious of wedding invitation that I recieved. If I chose to just go with my parent’s word, I might be a wife by now. If I chose to agreed with my parent decision, I might be already having my own wedding party. And most of all, if I am married by now things should work well between me and my parent. I don’t know anymore if this whole things are hurting me, but I do realize that there’s a pain in my chest and sometimes I literally couldn’t breath. I don’t know if that means I am already at my limit. Do I really have one? I mean each time I fall so hard, it always feels like I’m at my limit but I fall deeper and those problems before seems so cute. Isn’t it means that my limit keep on getting pushed until I completely broken? Indeed, this time I feel like the destiny is pushing me over my limit. In the future, does it matter how far over my limit the world is going down on me? Would I even care anymore?
I posted “there are times when people either change or self destruct” on facebook. I am kind of feeling afraid that this moment I do the latter. But what if it just me pretending to be self-destruct just so the world would have mercy on me? I mean wouldn’t self-destructing people tend to hide that fact? As for me, I even tell one or two that I might currently self-destructing. Do I want their pity? Do I want them to console me? Or do I want them to stop me? Or is it my way of showing the world that even if I self destruct and people try to stop me, I wouldn’t try to go with others expectation?
Do I even knew what I want?
Do I even let myself to desire for anything? Anything at all?
This moment I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I need. I can’t let myself want and need anything. I just wish I would suffer amnesia and then be abandoned at a place I’ve never been where the people speak language I never understand. I wish the world would just finish me.
I started to feel that my problem wasn’t that big and yet I make a big fuss about it. It would be a whole lot easier if everything go against me. I would be great if life would beat me so hard that I couldn’t even move a muscle to breath. Maybe by then, I would grow numb of any feeling. By then, I would be the doll that works so hard for everyone expectation. By then, I wouldn’t even know that my feet bleeding, I couldn’t even tell that I’m ruining my body. I want to be messed up so bad that I can’t even respond anymore.
I told my father “it was so hard on me that I started to laugh, It was so hard that tears can even ease my sadness at all”. At that moment I have a sick wish to be crazy and isolated. I just feel sick.
I have always feel sick.
I just try my best to ignore it.
I have a weak stomach. I throw up, I have a bad stage of stomach-ulcer. My family thinks that because I wouldn’t let myself show my pain every time I’m sick, so it build the stress inside my body. But I also have a hormonal problems cause by stress that conclude something is making me depress. Whatever it is, I ignore it exist. I chose to believe I have a good upbringing, a loving family, and people who love me, which in one side is a fact. I used to ignore the other side of coin, the unpleasant one.
I wasn’t happy or that accepting with my upbringing so I yearn for luxury that people take for granted. I do not have that much of loving family since I’m just too good at reading people, too good that it scares me. I do not have the capability of accepting love so however people love me, I can’t love me, let alone letting them love me or loving them back. There are just too much missing puzzles, and I pretend that incomplete puzzle is me. To be honest, it’s ugly. I want those puzzles that is missing from me, every little happiness that I thought is a luxury. I want to see those bright and colorful life so I can tell how beautiful is the view. Strange enough, I never like my picture. Strange enough I never like mirror. Strange enough I loath myself so much.
Just when did I start to keep on missing pieces of my puzzle? There’s just so little piece with me now that it can’t be called a puzzle anymore..