It just, I read this page about an actress admiring her co-actor for being so great in crying scene. In this scene, the co-actor didn’t scream, he didn’t cry like those drama queen. All he did was laying there, helpless, with a blank stare without blinking, letting his tears flow. It’s heartbreaking because I can see the hopeless, the feeling of giving up the feeling of in a great pain that he can’t even make any sound. Unconsciously I said, how sad..

Then I remember, not too long ago, I was also in that state. If we are to look deeper into it, I cried a lot like that in the past. It just the first time anyone ever see me like that was a few month ago. Hurtful enough that she couldn’t even say a word to cheer me up, hurtful enough that she worried. FYI, I rarely cause people to worry about me with my happy-go-lucky attitude. Normally, I would just brush off my sadness like it was nothing, like it never happen, like it was a dream. I would bury it deep within my memory and throw the lock away. That way, unless it’s recurring, I would never remember it. It keeps me sane.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t know, I know that I was sad and still sad. Every time I started to think that I’m okay, somehow the pain just goes to the surface and yell to me: “Hey! Don’t forget about me. You are sad!”. Which is why I try my best to heal me, to help me. Since, no one would ever be able to help me. How? The last person in this world that can ever pull me out from my pain is the very person who puts me in such state. Will I ever recover? I will, I am me after all. But the question is, the recovery, how long will it be? I am losing my light more as day passes, and even in my dream, I cried for losing every happiness that I get right when it’s on my grasp.

I read this page and bad news for me,
it says, I am broken. I started to be self-harming, I am aware of it, yet somehow can’t stop. I should’ve knew the signal and force myself out so I wouldn’t sink deeper. But I’m in to deep. I don’t even know how to scream for help anymore. No. I don’t have any desire to be rescued at the least..

What are the warning signs?

  • Many cuts/burns on the wrists, arms, legs, back, hips, or stomach
  • Wearing baggy or loose clothe (e.g., wearing hoodies or long sleeves during hot days to conceal the wounds)
  • Always making excuses for having cuts, marks or wounds on the body
  • Finding razors, scissors, lighters or knives in strange places (i.e., the nightstand drawer or under the bed)
  • Spending long periods locked in a bedroom or bathroom
  • Isolation and avoiding social situations

I was a total mess that I can’t even stand the sound of clock ticking. There was a noisy sound in my head that keeps me from sleeping. Nightmares while sleeping, depressing voices while awake. It was like a living hell that I scream the time would just stop. I started to laugh when my dad got angry at me since my tears can’t contain my agony anymore. And then I just tired, I just want a stop. I do what I did until now, I try to find excuses so I can erase this guilty feeling of harming one self. But you know, the guilt wont go away. I just try my best to ignore it. All I did was trying not to eat. I find the food as a poison. When it goes inside my body, I started to hear a voice angrily say: “OUT! GET OUT!”. Of course when the body refuse, naturally the food would be out of my body. But when my body is not that angry of those food, my brain won’t let me get away with it. In time, I learn how to force yourself to throw up.

I read article about how dangerous if it continues, in fact my body have been giving warning to stop. But I can’t. I try to find excuses to keep on doing it. I pretend that I want to be slim, but I’m well aware that it’s not it at all. You know, after I throw up, my eyes would be teary, my head will get dizzy, and both of my feet will feel weak and numb. Sometimes even my hand would started to feel bad. So what was my problem? I know, it’s those phrase that a certain someone said that makes me feel that I am a parasite. So to eat what she cooks, it’s almost impossible. It feels like swallowing a rock. In each grain of rice, a voice said that I am indebted to her for this meal. I keep on counting how much more of debt I am having and how hard it must be to pay it. But not eating will cause her angry more, so I pretend to eat. I eat as least as possible. I take food and eat it away so no one will know that it just an act. And when I have to eat in front of the family, I try to eat normally but then go to the bathroom to force the food out.

It’s not a sign of bulimia. I am not bulimic. I just can’t eat the food that my family cook. So if it’s something I cooked or things that is bought, I absolutely have no problem in eating it. I know my body is getting weaker so I try my best to eat something. That’s why I eat more things that are bought outside so I can skip my three time meals routine. But… throwing up is.. slowly becoming somewhat of a habit. I even throw up those that I shouldn’t. My body naturally reject it. Now that I mention it, my sense of hunger also become quite dull.. I eat randomly and most of them are instant noodle (since it’s the only thing I would let it in my body), which is not healthy at all.

I don’t even know why I wrote this. Call me attention whore, maybe I am. I just need to make a confession, anyone will do. That’s why I write in my personal blog. I just wish that no one would end up like me. No more.

To those who are reading it, let me tell you why I ended up here.

  1. I don’t feel loved.
  2. I don’t feel having any place at all.
  3. I feel rejected, that my existence is a mistake. Since people deny every part of me that describe me.
  4. I feel pushed  and I am tired of trying to grab on to them.

So be careful, of words that you said. You would never know how heavy those words would weight someone’s mind. For me, every words of her occupied my mind that I can’t think of anything else. Well, she is the reason why I exist but she refuse me. I am not suppose to be tired, to feel annoyed, to be angry. I am suppose to be exactly what she want me to be and to make sure that I realize how much of a parasite I’ve been, she even told me clearly with her own mouth that living with me is like a living hell. All I’ve been trying for my whole life is to give her laugh and smile. My love is so heavy that I don’t mind at all to die in her place. Everything that I’ve done are for her happiness. Yet, for her..

I was sad, but not this bad. I.. to be honest, I am not sure I can recover. Lately when she scold me I started to feel nothing. All I know is I feel empty and suffocating. My voice is stuck, my smile won’t come out. And at this very moment, my eyes is hurting to cry but there is a feeling of tired. Too tired even to cry.

Sometimes I asked myself: “Was it that bad? The wound?”. Each time, the answer is the same. NO. But then, how can I explain this silent cry I keep on having each night? I can’t help myself. When there are peoples around, unconsciously I keep my guard up and act all happy. It makes thing harder for me when I really need a hug or just a hand to hold mine. Somehow when I talk to it to other I make it sounds like nothing to cry over, but there is something stuck in my throat. there’s a piercing pain in my chest. I am tired. I want to stop so bad. I want a stop. I don’t know anymore..

Whatever.

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