“what keeps you up each night? i know it’s a nightmare, but what kind? is it some random nightmare you used to have? or.. was it me?”
I remain in silence not knowing what to say. It’s both. You and my random nightmare that never failed to wake me up in tears every night. But if I were to say that, would it hurt you somehow? I wish that you’ll be sad that you was the reason why I couldn’t sleep at night, but I don’t want you to be sad either. So I decided not to say anything.
“I missed you voice.. I’ve never heard you laugh anymore.. I laugh a lot, but you… didn’t. Not anymore..”
..Did you..? Did you really..? But I forget how to laugh. I even forget how to smile. So even after you said that heartbreaking sentence I couldn’t even fake a smile. So I remain in silence.
And then the scene change. i move far away without telling her. this is the only choice. This is the only way to fix things. But as I held my cellphone I was so afraid to call home. What if she is the one who pick up the phone? No, even if it’s dad, what should I say to them? If they were to call me, will I have the courage to pick it up?
So I threw my phone away and glance at the room I’m staying. it’s really huge you know. For some unknown reason this room’s design is really weird. my room is connected to a bathroom that is also connected to 2 other bathroom. So I have 3 bathroom for me alone that all huge and of course messy. The bedroom is huge too, 2 beds and somehow it filled with pairs of shoes. WHY SHOES? Some of them are worn out, some are brand new. These mess belongs to the old tenant. I don’t understand why she left thing like that but I just have to deal with it.
So I tried to clean the room but it’s kinda hard since there are too many things inside and I am not suppose to throw i away. Were those mine, I’ll definitely gave it away for I hate having so many things around me. In the end i couldn’t do much. I decided to go out for dinner but it was too late for a dinner. So I helplessly bear my hunger as I lay my body on the bed. Staring at the phone, I start to chanting: Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, may it not be too late. I’ll call them tomorrow..
It seems that I said that words each night until i got tired and gave up to sleep.
And then i woke up (for real this time)
Ah.. of course i was all a dream. It was just too good to be true that she worried or missed me. And it was just too good to be true that I get to be out of that castle even if it just for a while..
…Messy room huh? Just like me then. (laugh)
..Just like hugging a baby, it’s that easy to have me back. But if your pride worth much more than your own child, this baby can never learn how much she is loved (if she is. *sad smile*). Ah.. I just don’t worth i right? If i do loved by you is it hard to show it? Don’t you know? When it comes to love, I’m just like a baby who know nothing. even if it’s about your love, I know nothing, I remember nothing.. (laugh)