“Hey, What does it mean to be happy?”

I asked  that question once to a friend, resulted me getting hit by her with an angry look. *wow*

Ah.. I just want to be happy..
For having desire to be happy, doesn’t it means you’ve experience it before? Of course I did. Is there a single living thing that never experience happiness? Stop talking about the obvious -______-

It just I’ve been in constant feeling that I find it boring
It’s neither joyous nor agony. I wasn’t particularly happy or sad. Obviously there are times that I smile and laugh, but it’s just doesn’t reach inside. It’s like touching a warm water but only can feel the heat at the tip of you finger. No matter how much you tried to soak into the water, the warm just skin level.
It’s like wanting so bad to calm the heat inside with the glass of ice. But no matter how many glass it takes, the fire never calm. The ice melt far before it even reach it’s smoke. So I was wondering, how is it, how is it to feel it beyond the skin?

Because no matter how much I tried, I’m still freezing
What is it exactly that I have to do to feel the heat? How do I shake this chill stubbornly freeze my veins? I tried to mimic the feeling of love, hoping to understand it one day. How come I don’t understand the basic of it? I even capable of breaking down those complicated theories into such simplicity. Isn’t it funny I still can’t grasp what I mimic so hard?

Because mimicry is me. Even if you said that mimicry is a fake, I believe all of us mimic our surrounding up to the certain level, No?
When I tried so hard to live up to expectation why am I freezing? Why do I yearn a person touch in each of my dream? Why do I need a light to fall asleep? Why do I absolutely need noises around me so I could fall asleep? Why can’t I mimic the way they melt their own cold ice? Ah, maybe I am the Queen of the ice heart? *start speaking nonsense*

But then again, the blazing inferno of anger is there. Rather than warm, it’s maddening. How do I calm it down?

Really,
Just what does it mean..
..to be happy?
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