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Sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether I am just a dense simple minded idiot or an idiot with self-neglect habit. Either way, I am sure that I am just acting like an idiot. People have to know their limit. As for me, I only know my limit when it’s really unnecessary.

I have a habit of hating to complain or even making a long sigh when I am in pain. I hate the idea of the pain is defeating me and all the more I hate the idea of me complaining. In this case, maybe I am just a stubborn idiot. Well, let’s add another crown of idiocy in my collection shall we? *self-bullying*

This is why I started to develop an inner me with a talkative personality. She is very spoiled and complain a lot. I really want to kill her sometimes. Would killing your own inner-self be considered as a murder? Anyway, my point is she exist. I hate to admit it but she tend to be alright and she abuse my trust of her words most of the time when I started to believe in her.

There was this on time when I took a day off and decided not going to attend the class since I felt kid of feverish. I spend the morning on my bed feeling terribly bored so I started to walk around and even watch TV. I felt really energize and decided to go to the next class. At that time, she started to complain and telling me not to. She said that once I am outside I’ll feel feverish again. Well, it is just to be expected for me to find her being spoiled since I felt just fine. But unfortunately she was right. Around 200m from my hostel I stated to feel weird, the world was spinning around and my knees were trembling. Ah.. she was right. Slowly I crawled back home.
*feeling defeated*
*angry*

While most of the time she was right, she also like to trick me. Let say I am feeling very lazy that day, she’ll complain that she is very tired and want some bed-rest. Actually, what happened is I am merely feeling a bit sluggish because I went to sleep quite late last night. I am not tired at all. But I have a difficulty to tell how exactly the feeling of ‘quite tired’ and how exactly the feeling of ‘kind of sluggish’, so she trick me into not doing anything and just stay on my bed. That’s why I started to doubt her every time she complain about anything. In time her voice sounds like someone else voice who also stay in my body.

I have no idea whether I am actually growing numb or my ability to realize that I am feeling anything is degrading. Each day, I’ll hear her voice asking me to pity her and give this body some attention. She’ll say something like: Fit, it’s cold.. (while my body started to tremble) or Fit, it’s painful (while my body is feeling funny). Most of the time, I didn’t realize what is happening to my body unless she started to nag. Maybe I’ve officially become a dense idiot with serious self-neglect syndrome after all?

Anyway, may all of other reader do not have the same concern as I did. I still don’t feel like handing over my crown you see? Have a nice day everyone!

Love

Fitri

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