..How should I describe this feeling?
I keep on telling myself that this is not love. It gets harder to believe in love as I grow older and it becomes almost impossible by now. I barely let anyone in to my life and if any of you manage to somehow, it’s because the timing was right. Maybe you guys came to me when I have no one to run to, maybe you guys came to me when I have no one to keep me from leaving, or maybe you just happened to be the only one around when I am the loneliest. No matter when or how you did it, it’s a fact that you did somehow become a part of my everyday life. That alone is making the impossible possible.
Call it fate, we somehow manage to be together. Even if I end up running away and you let me go so you won’t ruin me, there is this tiny link that keep us together somehow. It’s funny how years of not seeing each other never manage to burn all the bridge that we’ve built. So I curse those strong red thread that can’t be cut. Why are you still there? Vividly in my eyes, I can see me feeling so at ease just by having you around. Vividly in each dream, the sense of secure felt so real just by having you by my side. How come you are still there? Even when I can’t picture the word ‘we’ in the future no matter how much I tried, why can’t I escape you?
Let’s end this, I’m tired..
There’s no point of being together when it only tears us apart. Do we even looks like a lover?
And that’s always how we break up. It’s funny how you never persuade me to stay, yet so confidently say: “Go ahead, flap your wings and fly. Have your fill of playing, enjoy the winds. But remember, when you’re tired, come back to me. Remember to come back home, here, to my side”. Although it’s true that I find being by your side is the most relaxing, it’s also true that I can’t be myself with you around. Even if being around you might be a lot better than being around my family, even if you let me breath much easier, being by your side still suffocate me. That’s why I force you out of my life. Since it’s going to be messy far in the future, I struggle to end it while it’s sweet. I can live better with beautiful memories, so I should end it while it’s beautiful.
It was extremely painful. Period.
You was the only light in the dark. You are the only color in the world of black and white. I cling to you more than I thought. To separate myself from my only oasis when I am extremely thirsty takes more than just a great will. I flirt with another guy, I keep myself busy, but somehow you manage to sneak into my dream. The next morning I’ll wake up in pain, silently crying in agony. The more I tried, the more impossible it becomes to erase you. The moment I started to live my life peacefully without your existence in my mind, you’ll show up in my dream. It’s a torture. Why can’t I escape you?
..Can I ask you something?
Why so polite? Go ahead.
You DO like me, right?
Can you tell me why..?
Why the sudden interest? You are acting weird..
It just, you are much better than me. You know much better guy who did better than me, yet never even give them the chance. So.. why me?
I don’t know. They are just not my type maybe?
Come on.. I am asking seriously here..
Can we not talk about this..?
Okay, I give up. Promise you won’t laugh?
Uhm… the thing is, you might turn out to be my first love.
Maybe, I don’t know for sure. Either way, you are the first guy I ever see as my man.
I see..(happy) And..?
Eh? ‘and’?? Uhm, well you will tease me about this if I tell you. So not telling.
Are you that insecure? I am not as popular or as smart as you think, you see..
Okay, okay. So..
You know, I tend to keep things to myself. So when I feel terribly bad, terribly depressed, when I can’t even breath, I’ll see you somehow.
Err.. see me? (confuse)
I mean, in my dream.. All you did was lending me your shoulder, or just walking together side by side. You’ll hold my hand, sometimes you’ll give me a warm hug but the next morning I’ll feel all better.
Each time I have that dream, I realize how much I love you. Hey, are you listening?
Ah..? Yeah.. I am..
Such a weak response. Anyway never ask me about this again. It’s embarrassing to talk about it, got it?
Ah.. okay.. (smile)
Do you really love me? How do I know that your love is real? I am the one who feel insecure here. Why can’t I trust your feeling? Why can’t I escape you so things would be a whole lot easier? I keep on asking what exactly that makes you fall for me but always fail to get an answer. How can I blindly trust those emotion you show? How can I know it’s not merely the moment impulse?
Hey, are you okay?
Why.. why did you come to my life and just leave like that? What should I do with this pain? I am a human too. It’s painful each time you leave, why did you come to my life? Why did you mess me up so much?
I.. I never meant to.. I’m sorry..
Take responsibility! Don’t leave me hurting like this! Please! I’m begging you!
I wake up in tears, sink down, in deep agony. I felt so guilty but keep on convincing myself that those pain that you spoke so much wasn’t inflicted by me. I am just one of many, I can’t be the only reason to your pain, can I? It’s already month after I decided to disappear from you. Yet your existence is so big, much bigger than I ever realize. Why can’t I escape you?
“If you keep on dreaming about someone, then he must have that much importance in your life. No matter how much you deny his/her existence, the fact that you are dreaming about it prove that there are part of you who want him/her so much that you can’t stop yourself from longing and yearning him/her. “
I close the tab on my browser where I read that words angrily. He is NOT important to me, I can live without him. I am NOT longing for him. I do NOT yearn after him. My mind is playing trick to me, that’s it.
..I AM you first love, RIGHT?
I don’t know anymore. I don’t even know what love is.. Have you ever heard of the word imprint?
..Imprint? what does that means?
Well, it’s like a recognition system. Like how the chicken recognize a duck as its mother or something.
Well (smile painfully), It was dark, I was alone, and you was there. You introduce me those warm feeling that I’ve long forgotten. It feels like I finally understand how warm others kindness could be. The first to ever be kind to me when I can trust no one, thats you. My one and only placebo.
Yeah, a placebo. I don’t know if we can call it love.
Was it hurt to hear that? I drove you away on purpose. Do forgive me. Truth is I want to be by your side so bad. Even if I can’t imagine us to be together in the future, even if I can’t even let you dream to have me as your wife, I need you bad right now. I am breaking apart, much much worse than I ever have. Everything is dark, I find myself crying and struggle to breath all of the time. I start to have suicidal thought and keep on hurting myself. I need you to pick me up since I can’t stand up by myself anymore. I need you to stop me from breaking.
..but that would be too cruel for you right? I can’t even give you the love that you want. I can’t play along when you dream about a future where I am your wife. I can’t play along when you dream about having me as the mother of your kids. I need you, I need you, but just for this moment. I need you to save me, but what can I give to you in return? Should I just be the love of your life just because I haven’t find the new man? Do I even plan to find someone new? What exactly do I want from you? I don’t desire to be your woman, yet why can’t I escape you?
“The number you are calling is busy, please try again in a few minutes”
I hang up the phone with a heavy sigh, you are not picking up my call. Is it for the best? I just miss your voice, but would you misunderstand my intention if we talk? Then it’s maybe for the best that my timing was off. I fall asleep, trying to endure the heavy headache that have been torturing me for a while. Why do I miss your voice? Why can’t I escape you?
It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wide awake. Well, its to be expected since I sleep earlier. I just dream about you tonight. After months, again, I dream about you. It felt nice though. Why did I dream about you? Is it because I tried to call you last night? So silly..
I check my phone expecting a chat from my best friend when I saw the notification of a new chat. My heart skip a beat when I saw your name instead. Not one of those excited feeling, more like a fear, my heart skip a beat out of fear.
Did you call me last night? I’m sorry, I was busy that time. I called you later, at 9, but your number is no longer active..
Ah.. why don’t you just ignore that silly mistake of mine. Why did I dream of you? This is not love, but why can’t I escape you?
I am not your prisoner, why can’t I escape you?