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It’s been like this for two night straight, a dream where my only purpose of life is seeking for natural heat pack, seek for a comfortable source of warmth. Since it’s comfortable, it should be hug-able. Since it feels nice, it should be able to hug me back. So I would feel a lot better, this thing has to be bigger than me. It has a name in real life, ‘a man’. Ck!

“MINE!”

To be honest, it’s not that I have no interest in man. I’m not a lesbian and I’ve been dating man for my whole life. I like them okay? What I have no interest in is the complicated part called “committed”. Why should I be committed to one person? What happen if he is not around when I need someone to be around? I hate it since being committed to someone is heavy. So without proper explanation, you should’ve understand why I never think about marriage in the first place.

Of course it’s nice to officially have someone whom you’ll allow to spoil you rotten. It’s also undoubtedly nice to have someone keep looking at you no matter how unsightly you act. Truth is, I am hug-able. People like to hug me in their sleep. The reason being my body is quite softer compare to woman in average, I do not move around much in my sleep, and the temperature of my body is just right. That is why my friend would just randomly hug me from behind and irresponsibly fallen asleep, leaving me in quite a turmoil trying to support their body. I’m not strong enough to support the body of someone my size, you see. *complaining*

I’m being honest when I say I don’t really like the act of hugging or being hugged. As for why, I get the feeling of being strip naked when I am involved in such act. When I am sad, I’ll cry even more – I hate that. When I am mad, I’ll feel sort of relieve and sad – I hate that too. I need to restrain my self-control every time I’m being hugged. It feels nice, but I hate the realization that I am acting weak. We all hate to admit that we are weak right? All the more showing it. That just a big NO. Unless he or she is someone I can totally trust, there’s just no way in hell I’ll show them my weakness and my real emotion. That how it works anyway, right?

But having 2 night straight of dream with the same action – warmth seeker – is just plain broken. I mean, it’s not that unusual for me to have such a dream where I cling to any moving object as long as they are warm. It just in this dream, the men are not just one people. I am committed to more than one man for the sake of keeping my body heat intact. What kind of play is this?

The night before, I dream about having the friend that I never fancy of in my real life as my soon-to-be-husband. He sleep next to me, didn’t even do anything with me other than smile and showing love. There are no lust. It feels terribly nice that I stupidly tried to sleep again with the hope of having the same dream when I wake up. When I’m finally awake, I am just so embarrassed of my own silliness. What the..? Why would I want the same stupid dream again? *bang the wall with my head*

Last night, I dream of AGAIN having a few man as my man. None of them knew each other, we never been found out by other too. I keep on clinging, hugging and stuff. When I wake up I feel really lame. What the hell man? Mate, make no mistake. I didn’t officially play with man in real life. There was time when I am not being faithful, but the man I cheated with always well aware of his position. Not that I’m justifying that my action wasn’t wrong, I’m just saying that I never committed to more than one man. One is enough to make my plate full. I’m not that evil you see.

And I always be the one who gave other comfort and the feeling of security, not the other way around. Did I maybe secretly crave of it..? Anyway, I still haven’t fancy of marriage. Happy ever after is a strange phenomenon to me. Being spoiled rotten in the word only exist in ‘did that actually happened?” dictionary in my mind. Well, at least I don’t go randomly hug man on the street so.. this is still okay? Even if I did, you guys like to be hugged anyway right? Come on, I’m hug-able!

Love,

Fitri

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