The day before, I was out with my sisters. They are having a contest of reading Quran and I’m there in place of my parent. I am also in charge of looking after them and taking care of their need. Not much comment there. I was just bored waiting for her turn since we have to sit for hours. Well, at least she does win the contest even though it wasn’t the first place.
The youngest was nagging about things while I was having a hard time to control myself. I keep trying to stop the tears from overflowing but it was in vain. So I keep on wiping those poison away while having to keep my voice unshaken. I keep on looking down to the floor, pretending to be asleep while hiding every trace of selfishness that never want to disappear.
Why did you keep me alive? Why didn’t you kill me? Was it morality?
Why did you let me around your side? Why didn’t you left me? You obviously have so many chances. Was it a form of kindness?
I clench my teeth, biting my lips so hard and let the pain distract me from such thoughts. It far kinder if she left me. If I were to live as a slave at someone else’s household, at least I have the freedom to be sad and angry. I might not live as easy as now, but it’s far kinder to know that I’ll never have to chase their love rather than forced to always chasing yours unconditionally. At that time, I really want to run. At that moment, I really want to cry openly. Was it your intention to break me apart, again and again? Well, Guess what? You’re really good at that.
As I keep on getting more of darker thoughts, my tears fell unstoppable. I was lucky that I made it in time to run away from the crowd. Just when I can’t take it anymore, it’s my sister’s turn to recite the verses. I tried my best to focus on taking her pic and videos. Right when she leave the stage, I run outside. Maybe god was being kind to me, he gave me reason so I could leave the crowd. He gave me the right time to be alone. For that kindness, I thank Him, sincerely.
I was in panic since I realize that I can’t calm down even when I am by myself. I can’t cry openly so the scream stuck on my throat. I can’t even cry openly so my eyes are hurting from all those wiping motion. Remember something happy, remember something happy, I reminded myself. But that’s when I’m doomed. I can’t remember any. I tried to think about the happiest moment in my life. There was one day, my only birthday were ever celebrated. There was no “happy birthday”, there wasn’t mama or papa by my side. I was me, alone in our bedroom with pile of snacks. I was eating happily, and it becomes the happiest moment in my life. But not even that memories can’t improve my mood.
So I tried to remember someone else stories, hoping they could give me a seed of happiness. Unfortunately my mind was in a mess, I can recall none of them. In desperate, I sunk heavily and let out a long sigh. There was only one, one way to stop my hands from getting any colder. There was only one, one way to stop me from biting my lips. There was one way, one way to talk the sadness into stop overflowing. So I called his name, again and again. I called his name, hoping that this name would keep me on the ground. I called his name, feeling sinful for running to you yet feeling relieve for finally calming down. I called your name, like chanting a magic. I called your name, as if it was the only spell to draw a smile on my face. I called your name, because I have nothing else.
That day, you suddenly send me a chat. It is a really rare occurrence. You always don’t want to be the one who start the conversation when it comes to me. It was a short word, “fitri?”, but that alone gave me a mixed feeling. I was kind of happy inside, did you heard me calling your names? Is that why? I was also feel like a sinner. Did I just messed up your head again? Didn’t I swear not to ever do that again? I was too tired that day so I gave up on thinking about those complicated thought, instead I decided to embrace this tiny tiny joy that suddenly pops into my day. 🙂
That day, God is being really kind to me. He gave me reason to escape from the crowd, he gave me chances to get a space to be alone, he let my placebo to calm the raging storm inside me. Wasn’t I being spoiled by a Him a little too much?
Hey, can you tell me stories? One that can makes me laugh just by remembering them.
Hey, can you tell me stories? One that full of happiness that I can’t keep the frown on my face.
Hey, can you tell me stories? One that help me stand on the ground when I feel like leaving..
Really, can you tell me stories?
Because I can’t tell you one, since mine is the poison for your happiness
Because I can’t tell you one, since mine is dragging you down.
Because I can’t tell you stories, since mine is a Pandora’s box.
Because I can’t tell you stories, since there are so much and I am lost not knowing where to start.
Because I can’t ever tell you stories, since I have none worth telling.
So can you share me yours? Can you tell me stories?
It never have to be a grand one, nor a great one. Because your existence guys, is already a great stories for me. So tell me stories, one that I can think of when I need something to think. So tell me stories, one maybe?
♫♪ Do you wanna tell a story? It doesn’t have to be a great one.. ♫♪