If there’s anything that I learned from my current life, that would be a love lesson. Not about how to love people better than I used to, not about loving others passionately, but more about loving sincerely but just enough. I am yet to learn how to love Him the best, yet to learn to love Allah the most. But I believe one day I’ll be there, I’ll be able to love Him more than anything, more than ever.
If the question is who the person I love the most, the answer would be Mom. Now that thing have changes the answer would still be Mom. What change is not the person I love the most, it’s more to the depth and ability to love itself. Example? I used to favor her more than anything, I used to be so close to her forcing myself out of the safe line. It’s like walking on an egg. Now, I’m more like watching her from afar. If I used to think that life is so unfair for letting her making me such a bad guy, now I just don’t care. It hurts every time I’m being hurt but I accept it. Not with a smile yet, but there’s no anger, no rage, no regrets and no question.
Maybe in a way it’s a lesson telling me not to love someone so much that it hurts. Someday they are bound to leave, or disappear or die. It just a matter of time. I get a lesson of how painful it would be. So before I walk any further into this loving-others-neglecting-self road, He stop me. God stops me from the possibility of me falling hard that I won’t stay sane. I should be thankful for that but I am yet to be thankful.. I hope Allah won’t get mad at me for taking so long to thank Him..
In one perspective, I lose something: The capability to be in love itself. It’s a huge loss because building this love is no walk in the park. I keep on putting a lot of rope around it so it won’t break. In the end I only end up with one rope, frayed here and there. So I fix it, with a pain in my chest as a price, I fix this frayed rope here and there. In time it’s hard for me to be around this so-called love. I love them, but it’s so heavy AND painful. I do not want to – at all cost – to lose what I build in years with a lot of effort even if keeping it would kills me. That’s just how I am.
“You are like a candle, your love is like a lit of fire. To gave others even just a small light, you burn yourself disregarding how much it cost you. And when you finally stop, you’re already in a great mess. The candle is disappearing..”
I realize that I am a very bitter person, yet so unbearably sweet. So right now, rather than showing those sweetness and swallowing the bitter part alone, I change. I’m showing much of that bitter side, yet not letting them realize how sweet I’m acting toward them. It’s far easier to hide the sweet rather than a bitter taste. I’m letting them having a sweet after taste, one you’ll understand once I’m not around. It’s not easy, but it’s never easy either before. Yet, it’s easier to breath..
I have no idea that my love would be a poison to my very soul.
So Allah, thanks for the lesson.. For now, I’ll just have to shut this feeling in a safe box. Until in time, someone with a courage comes asking for my heart. One that have the capability of loving as great as me. One that have to capability to breakdown the complexity in me. One that have enough courage to poison himself with his own love and one that have a big heart to take my love as a medicine to keep him away from the darkness.
May us complete each other.
Until then, I’ll save and hide this heart, preserving it from bleeding much further.