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Do you know that I’m feeling blue literally means that the aura of your body is literally blue? Blue color comes once people feeling sad or depressed or shamed. Of course, the worst state is being depressed. It’s like a poison, spread to your body, consume your mind. I do not know if what I feel is enough to be stated as a depressed person, but I do know the feeling of lost and anger that makes you lost your mind.

If I have to describe the feeling, it feels like the road which was clear to you before under the bask of sunlight suddenly disappear from your sight. It’s suddenly dark and you can’t feel the ground. You can’t even tell if you are floating or actually standing. In this confusion, there comes a loud noise of something crumbling from all around you. You want to run away but  you can’t even tell where is the noise coming from. You try to move your leg but you can’t feel the legs anymore. The feeling of numbness is spreading from the tip of your toe crawling to you hand, neck. Your body is freezing and it’s all the more scary since you can’t do anything to save yourself.

In the middle of fear, panic, and confusion, suddenly your body shake a lot like in the middle of an earth quake. The crumbling noise is so near that you can’t do anything but desperately pray. You’ll pray whole heartedly that time will stop. Please, god. Please stop the time. I can’t watch myself break here, please stop the time. In my case, god listen to me. He stop my time, he preserve my heart. So for almost 2 years, I locked myself up. I tried desperately to deal with the storm of sadness that drain my tears. I tried desperately to survive from endless nightmare each night. I tried desperately to face my punishment.

It’s like a living hell.

The place that used to be your source of comfort suddenly become the most uncomfortable places. People start to give you unwise suggestion like asking you to leave for good. They knew that their advise is not a good one but they can’t bear watching you break. Feeling tired of such drama, you just decide to sleep. You spend your time sleeping as much as you could but that when the nightmares come. As is the day wasn’t enough to torment you, the night also torture you with all those things that hurt you the most. You are afraid of living the day yet also afraid of sleeping at night. It’s very tiring. Very tiring to the point that you’d wished you’ll just die. How wonderful it would be, if I do not have to open my eyes anymore..

That is what depression to me. To not be able to think about your future nor your life anymore, to not be capable of holding your emotion in check that you’d started crying in random and you can’t stop it, to stop being angry and just despise yourself instead, to question your existence and wondering how wonderful this world would be if you are not part of it. It’s poisonous, even for a calm person like me. I have to stop myself countless time from being reckless and running to those I am not suppose to. I was desperately try to cling to something, anything. Because if I don’t have anything I’ll break to pieces and I am have no confidence to put myself back together.

That’s when the drug comes.

God, please don’t leave me. You, can see what hidden inside. Those sadness and feeling of rejection that I hide. You, even more than me, understood best how much I’ve break before. I am already a broken goods before all this. I just used to fool myself desperately to think that I’m not hurting to preserve myself from breaking apart.

I plead your mercy for being impatient and cry baby. I can’t contain the sadness within me, it consume me. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t read, I can’t do anything. I tried my best to ignore the pain in my heart but then I just suffocate. I find myself struggling to breath. Please forgive me for over reacting but I can’t stop myself from falling even deeper.

O God, I understand that I am a disgusting being but please hug me, please love me. I never ask you to put me in the heaven in the afterlife – even when I knew I am not strong enough to face your wrath – I never ask you to always answer my plead, but please love me. Please love me, please love me, please love me. Who can I run to if it’s not to you? Whom should I plead the mercy from if it’s not from you? God please have mercy..

I understand that I reap what I sow, that how it suppose to be right? It doesn’t matter if what I got far far worse, because I did cause it to happened. So I won’t ask you to solve this for me, I won’t ask you to make it easier for me, I won’t ask you to heal the pain within me. I just need to know that you love me, that even if I gave up on myself, you’ll never leave me. Please love me, please love me, please love me. Embrace me with your love because it’s so cold to be so alone here. I keep on shaking and I tried to warm myself but it was in vain. Please love me.

God, please don’t leave me.. If even you would turn your back on me, I’ll break to pieces and blown by the wind. I can never be the same ever. I can’t live. Please don’t let my soul die. You are everything I have.

I keep on praying a lot, after each prayer I’ll lay myself and begging in tears, god help me, god help me. Since I don’t even know anymore what I want nor what I need, all I can’t do is saying that line. After 2 month I started to recover, the pain that used to pierce so much hurt much less than ever. In the end, I can’t even find a trace of sadness. I thought I was finally healed, that it was worth to stop my time for almost to years. I was happy with that thought alone.

But then, I got my period and I can’t do the prayer which was my drug. Suddenly the feeling that I struggled to face  crawling back to me. I was surprised by the realization that I am not healed at all. One night I even cry for 3 hours no less. If my eyes doesn’t get tired and let me sleep, I might cry even longer. I do not even know what cause the tears, I just feel sad. While crying I feel like 2 person was struggling together, one who is crying a lot and struggling to stop, and the other who is struggling to force the cry baby part to sleep and stop crying. No, not a double personality, more like logic and heart with a clear line between them.

Never in my life a week feels that long..

I finally understand, that what keeps me going is my drug. This drug is something I need all the time, without it, I’ll wither and die. I am so relieve that my period is finally over..

So that’s it for tonight, I’m off to get my drugs – isya prayer. Have a beautiful life reader 🙂

 

Love,
Fitri

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