I never like being touched much. If it’s not from my family, most of the time I’ll refuse letting others touch me. So unlike other, I am jumping in joy inside whenever other show me the little gesture that I need the most. Especially the body language of someone who tried to protect me. I like that moves the best.
Maybe since I am not used to being protected, or being spoiled in that way, I am too aware of it. As silly as it sounds, some simple touch could even make me cry. Obviously I’ll try desperately to hide the tears and the joy that might obviously shows in my eyes. Why? Because those touch.. is from a man. According to my belief, it is wrong to let myself being touched by a man who is not my family. So, my conscience is telling me that it is wrong. My conscience is telling me to avoid that gesture of love. But.. sometimes I just can’t. I need it.
This is why a few of them would just touch me randomly and think nothing much about it since I didn’t reject it. Well, most of them are just a light touch on my back, shoulder, arm or “good girl pat-pat”. I enjoy it because it feels encouraging. I am someone who’ve been absent of such luxury. Of course it is hard for me to refuse it when I need it bad. At time like this, their gentle touch remind me that I am a girl – a woman.
Since I sometimes show a very sweet smile when someone pat my head, those who see it can’t stop himself to do it again. Since I look so scared and very relief and thankful when someone walk me home, he find it natural to be by my side. Since I shows the sides that normally are hidden when treated as a woman, sometimes they can’t get enough of it.
I like it when a friend put their hand around me without touching me when we cross the street. I like the fact that he put some distance to respect my belief of not letting a guy touch me, and the fact that his hand is close enough so he can easily grab me were something to happen. I like it when a guy make sure to walk at the side closer to the road to protect me from any accident. I like it when they pat my head while I was playing cute and pretend to cry. I like it when they tap my back lightly when I hesitate to walk forward. I like it the most because they makes me remember that I am a woman. I like to be reminded that I like men and their manly side. I like the fact that they let me show the feeling of grateful and didn’t get sick of me saying thanks all the time.
A sin always tempting right? Realizing how sinful I might feel for the slight touch can’t stop me all the time. It’s hard to survive all alone. Being reminded that I am a woman and it’s okay to say that I am weak and need help means the world to me. Can you understand how that feels.?