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source: pixgood

Kind people are amazing right? They make us wonder what and how does the kindness remain despite of how cruel a life is. Well, of course there are people who are born with a better personality since birth. But it’s no debate that all people are born as a kind person. It’s their life, and their surrounding who are responsible to change that kindness bit by bit until eventually they forget to be kind.

Makes us wonder doesn’t it? What makes them so kind?

Is it because they have a great parent who raise them well? Is it because their parent keep them safe from every wound that they can grew up as such a bright person?

Is it because they are born that way? Is it because God favor them so much that the kindness within them never disappear?

Or is it.. because they are so sad?

Somehow, I can relate with this quote.

I am far from kind, but I was and lonely. I can’t remember the time in my life when I do not feel lonely. All the more right now. Lonely, is not something I can control. It dwells inside and no matter how much I tried to meet people, the feeling stays. So, maybe I understand how does it feel to be lonely.

Although I do not know if I do show some act of kindness, I do realize from time to time that it is hard for me not to consider about how other might feels. In some case, I even prioritize their need much much more than mine. It just hard to ignore their pain. Not that I am kind, I just can’t take the pain of hurting others.

There was time during my study where I knew people who are the target of bullying. I didn’t treat her/him the way others do just because I find no happiness in looking down on other. In fact, I can’t understand why people treat others so bad when they knew how painful it is to be treated the same way. But, one day, just one day, I was kind of in a hurried. I turn to him and asked him to things – just to help me buying thing with my money. He, who is always respected by me, refused to do so. So I said a line like: “come on, I really need your help. Okay, u know what? Fine. We are no friends anymore”. It’s not exactly mean, just a bit well… harsh? …and he cried.

At the moment, he said to me: “You are usually kind to me, why are you being mean?”. I was surprised and kind of hurting inside seeing him in pain so I apologized and never again said anything harsh to him. I know that what I am doing was just me selfishly trying to keep myself from hurting because of hurting other. I am always like that you know? I always cried after scolding other. I am that kind of girl. So I understand that by no means that I am kind. But I do understand, the feeling of lonely did hold me back from being mean. Maybe it is that very feeling who has been leading me to do the act of kindness that I ever did..

My smile is anything but bright, but I knew that people used to think that I am very happy. I am not, actually. I am the kind of girl whom when good things happened would be very insecure about the punishment for receiving such a great thing. I am the kind of girl whom when happiness happened, would asked myself ‘is this real?’ and wake up the next morning wondering whether yesterday was really yesterday – not just a dream. I am so sad for so many reasons that those boys would feel confuse looking me in tears whenever they said that they love me. I smile, but more like to not show that sadness. Because above all thing, I just want to be normal. I want to be normally happy. If that is impossible, I want to at least look normally happy.

source: 9gag.com

I am and was weary, but like a defense system, I’ll smile. I smile to lift the sadness within. I’ll smile so I can convince myself that I am happy. I’ll smile so people do not know my history. I don’t need others pity, so I’ll smile. The more painful, the hardest I’ll try my best to smile. I have no idea whether it looks bright, but those who knows would question in confusion. They’ll wonder why, why did I act like nothing happens and go happy-go-lucky, why? They knew that when it comes to me, who knew what’s on my mind. They knew that I might laugh the loudest but cry myself to sleep. I am happy that they knew and understand and holding back from asking what behind my smile. Even so, if possible, I still want to keep the number of people who knew that as few as possible.

You see, people who live a far happier life than me used to ask me how can I live my life so happily while feeling ashamed of their complains to me once knowing my history. I am not smiling because I am happy, it’s because I want to be happy. I am not smiling because I want to hide that I am sad, but just so other don’t feel sad to see me sad. Sadness is contagious, that is why, my happiness is to be shared, but my sadness is mine and mine alone.

And I by all means am not wise. I was damaged, so much that I find myself broken and was wondering if thing can get any worse. Exactly because I am damaged, I knew the pain. That is why, I have the tendencies to be close to those who lack something. I have this silly pride (maybe?) to help them. Sometimes, I even question what the hell am I doing.. I knew that making them talk would cause them to get angry and at me, but I did it anyway. Why? Because their expression after getting mad at me is far better than the one that they would make if I leave them alone. Stupid, right?

Even after treated badly, I’ll stay with them anyway, just because I understand. People would randomly tell me their story and crying at my side. Some would wonder why I never ask, don’t I feel curios about those tears? That’s not it. It just, I understand that when you feel like talking, you’ll talk. I also understand that when you cries without words, it means it just so painful to talk. Not exactly because I am wise, just because I kind of can synchronize.

I have people that I hate of course. But no matter how bad it was, I can never treat them bad. At most, I can only ignore and act cold toward them. Even now, I can’t hate people that much. I can’t get angry toward other. I am angry but I understand that nothing was intentional and even if it is, there must be a reason. I also understand very well how pain could drive people to the corner and turn them black. Exactly because I understand how horrible a damage can be, I can’t hate other. Because maybe, the most terrible person out there are just one who are damaged the most.

So whenever other tell me stories of how bad other were, I can’t help but tried to understand the bad one and try to reason their action. That is selfish of me maybe..? I by no means am wise. I just understand about damage so much since I have long lost the peaceful morning. That is all to it.

However, to some, I might seem kind, smile so bright and wise. But the truth is, I never feel that I am kind or bright or wise. Whenever people said things like I am different and they hate the way I am I would fight back. And if by chance they ever said that they learn a lot from me, I just want to say “stop”. Some would force me to be who they want me to be just because they can’t be with the current me. At that time, they would say hurtful word making them look like the victim.

But you know what? I am fine being the bad guy. I am fine for branded as a selfish person for not acting according to their wish. I never care if I am being misunderstood. People have different idea and I respect them. I also need no recognition from other as a good being. I am just what I am. I am not kind, not bright, not wise. I am just a very selfish girl whom her every act was just in order not to hurt herself.

So it makes me wonder, how.. how do people stay kind. Damages does make you more careful to other, but the pain would drive you insane. Loneliness does make you kind to other, but the emptiness would makes you suffer. Sadness does make your smile the brightest, but the heaviness makes you tired. So, how do people stay kind..?

At this point, I just feel sorry, sincerely very sorry to every kind people who end up acting kind the same way as I do. It’s ironic isn’t it? Kind people, suffer the most. Isn’t it just plain ironic..?

Love,

F

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