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For my whole life, for so long, I never put much thought about my life. If it’s happy, I tried to enjoy it. If it’s sad, I tried my best not to question it. Up and down, I tried not to complain and forget my place. If anything, I only tried to be a proper human. It’s one simple principle, “not to do what I hate to be done to me, and only behave the way I wish people treat me“. Of course, I also make sure not to put the burden of making other act the way I expect them to be.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. The temptation, for so many times tried to makes me go astray. It is all thanks to my stubborn personality that I am not so lost right now. Although, I do realize that I’ve come the have a terrible personality, ignoring own needs. Even so, I justify that it’s right. I do not harm anyone by putting less priority on myself so, why not?

But.

Yesterday, it suddenly occurs to me that we actually live for eternity. There are never a stop to it. We only live a different form of live where the current soul who lives on earth have no recollection of their life before it and have not much awareness of the life after. Human life expectation is only around 60-70 years. Compare to the never ending life, it is nothing but few hours.

Let us ask our selves. If, the life on earth is like a night before sleep over where we prepare our stuff. If, what actually need to be prepared is something other than money; like personality, good deeds. If that what define how much of luxury our life would be on the next stage. If that’s how it is, do we have the courage to do as we pleased with “suffering for eternity” as a price? Well, I don’t.

At the very minutes that awareness comes up to the surface, suddenly the thought of dying scare me. I need more time to prepare my stuff, I am far from ready for the sleepover..

And it is a common sense that we have to be responsible for our selves right? So it’s also a common sense that we have to be responsible for our behavior. That concludes that, in a time in eternity, there would be a judgement day before the day to go home. God loves as, without exception. He’ll spoil us, but before that, we have to purify ourselves. We’ll have to endure His wrath for every wrong doing that we’ve ever did.

Even though it sounds less tempting, His wrath is indeed a form of love. If He didn’t He could ignore us. The fact that He didn’t, that He make sure we can breath as long as we live, shows how much of care He had for us.

I tried to behave as hard as I could, so I have not much of worries when it comes to how people feel toward me. Unfortunately, I realize that I have a huge huge sin that I am yet to correct, caring for my own life. I know that after my parent, my self is the second person I have ever commit a mistake to. I always ignore myself, countless time ignore my needs, making it a habit to ignore my own pain and even when I break, I do not let myself feels tired. It’s a big crime.

I have my reasons to commits this crime, but a sin is a sin right?

Would God get angry to me for doing this? If He does, I am in a big trouble..

Well, that’s all for today, love,

F

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