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Happy New Years People!

I am not the kind to have a new year party or play some fireworks during new year, but I enjoy looking at the fireworks. Which is pretty much why I am still awake by now. I am currently enjoying the view on the sky out there.

But since I am not much on a new-year-celebration mode, those new year mood celebration post would end up here. Instead, lets talk about something else – something totally unrelated. Why? Because new year and it’s resolution is too mainstream *acting cool*

Exactly sounds like the title of this post, I want to talk about contradiction. Contradiction is good, it gives life color. Contradiction is great, it confuses me. Contradiction is a real good player, I am a sucker of its charm *sigh

We feel like that all the time don’t we? We want it, yet we don’t. We like it, yet we don’t. Hands up if you are living in contradiction! Yep, I am one of it.

If it’s about myself, I have a whole bunch of it. I care about myself, yet I don’t. I care about my well being (maybe?), yet I don’t. I am worried about my life, yet I don’t. I do, but I don’t. Perhaps more like ‘I don’t, but I do’?

The awareness has came to me. I want to live my life properly, yet I can’t. I can, yet I don’t. I want to be a proper adult. I tried, but I can’t. I can, but I don’t want to. I want, but I am unable to. So confusing..

But since this is new year and all, why not talk about some rare topic like love..? It’s pretty rare that this love-allergic me is willing to succumb into talking about such fairytale so this should be enough as my own new-year-celebration post right?

Well, I am single. Nope, not in relationship with any guy for so long. Unfortunately I was fighting depression this two years and I just happen to have a very strong defense during my dark hour so I barely even hang out with any guy friend. I like men, I like their manly feature and how they didn’t treat me like a woman but always be the man when I act like a girl. I am very kind, cute, gentle and understanding. I am a great package I tell you. But, there are no beautiful packages right? I have my flaw too. What would that be? I am heavy.

No, I didn’t mean to say that I am fat although it’s true that I am quite concern about my weight lately. *rage to the scale*. I mean, I am emotionally heavy. First, I put up a strong guard. I am nice and all toward people’s pain unless that person is me. I tend to brush my pain of as if it’s nothing and tend to hide it. Forcing me to speak up will backfire into me being more careful around them. By the end of the day, they’ll realize that I do care about them but I might not trust them that much. Even if they understand my personality, once in a while they’ll explode while questioning me until I reach the corner and bite them. I bite? Yes I do. How so? Simple, I disappear.

It just I am really mean. I want to trust people, yet I don’t. I want to learn to depend on them, yet I don’t. I want to let them trouble me, yet if it’s me, I won’t. I want to take their trouble, yet I won’t share mine. If it’s happiness, I’ll take my self out of picture and let them rejoice to the fullest. But if it’s me, I’ll share my happiness. These all resulted in an aloof and detached me. Some calls me a person without a care, some find me caring too much. It’s understandable because in almost everything, I do, but I don’t.

I won’t declare that I am a much better person compare to the past of the other. Not because I am playing a cool adult, just because I am not that foolish. I am improved, of course I do. What kind of person remain the same? The thing is, I was loneliest, yet I wasn’t. I am lonely, yet I am not. So maybe I become kinder, but also meaner. Being cruel comes in many form after all right? Just because it was as sweet as sugar, doesn’t mean it’s not painful. Kindness too has many form right? Just because it was as painful as a poison, doesn’t mean it’s poisonous. I change, I really do. Not because I want to, merely because I can’t close the huge gaping hole. I am better, I do. But is it really okay? If my medicine, taste more horrible and if my poison as sweeter as ever, is it count as an improvement?

Ah, was that too hard to stomach..?

Plainly speaking, I think I kind of be able to see beyond the fogs. Maybe I also be able to hear the whisper in the noise. I kind of have the ability to distinguish things better. But I am worried about the better since it’s so bitter. Is this the taste of adulthood?

I kind of understand about the word beyond word. The tall tale about question without answer. Because maybe some have and others don’t. Because some is better unvoiced even if you really want to. Ah, this is the beauty of contradiction no? It’s like being stuck in the middle of yes or no. Isn’t it fun? The idea of messing other and being messed up for a contradiction?

…I did it a lot you know.

I can’t complete anyone. I can’t make anyone proud. I can’t make their life so great. But hey, the idea of turning their world upside down sound doable no? I want, but I don’t. I don’t but I did. In fact, my existence itself is a contradiction if I may say. It’s a pity that I have no courage to end it but if I were to erase myself, maybe lot of heart wont be so troubled?

So no, no more mistakes. No more playing around. If love were to find me, no more running around. Although I doubt I can do that for I have such a terrible allergy..

I mean, even if I were to surrender and finally let myself to commit, I can’t change my mess up personality. For example, I want to cherish him, but I want to be the cause of his tears. I don’t want to make him sad, but I do. I want to keep him happy, but I don’t. Since I have a huge trouble in trusting other, I want to be the only person who breaks him down, but I don’t.

I have even more wicked desire.

If he happen to love me so much, too much that he can’t hide, I want to die right in front of him. I want to make him feel miserable just to have a prove of his sincerity. But I don’t want to be the reason for him to break down. Ah, that’s hard.

If I love someone, I want to let only the loving side of me around. But somehow I really want to be cruel too. Why am I so twisted? If we are on a vacation, I want to stand on the dangerous area just to see him pale. However, the idea of making him so worn out is just plainly wrong. Hmm.. I’ll have a hard time..

I want to spoil him, but I won’t. I want to be spoiled, but I don’t.

I want to cling to him, but I can’t. I can let him cling to me, but I won’t.

I want to be his only world, but I won’t. I can make him the center of my life, but I don’t.

Hmm.. should I or shouldn’t I? ‘Can’t I’ or ‘Won’t I’?

So troublesome..

I am too much, but I am not.

You can hate me, but I won’t.

I do hate you, but I can’t.

Ahaha, I guess this is too vague as a “love-theme” writing right? Well, whatever.

Anyway, happy new year. To people around the world, together, let us survive this year. Be brave, be strong. Be happy, laugh a lot. If it’s sad, just cry out loud. Eat, and live. People, as fellow depressed girl I really mean it when I say ‘Live’! Life is evil, those who lived were once a devil. But what define a devil and evil anyway? So, live guys! Hwaiting!

Happy New Years People!

Love,

Fitri

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