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A friend and my family used to say that my shopping list is just too impossible. I have no idea why would it be so impossible but I keep on stubborn and wanting it anyway..

When I was in elementary school, I never worried about me being not attractive and having no boyfriend. How could I? A classmate confessed to me when I was on my first year and by the third year, the most popular guy in the school hang a lot with me which causing me having to deal with his popular good looking fans who like him a lot. I was busy about another thing, love was never in my brain.

After moving to Indonesia, having so little classmate comparing to my school before, I get conscious of how beauty a girl could be. At that time, most of my friend have their mom to dress them up and they got to have those cute accessories while I can’t even afford to have the meal that I really want. I was so busy feeling down and tried my best to hide it so I never pay much attention to guys.

Moving to the junior high, I met a best friend who later become my boyfriend. Although we joke around a lot, I never expect him to like me. Actually, I never even see him as a man. I was desperate for someone who can fulfill my hunger for a father’s love. No, not that my father didn’t love me. I can’t explain it but some unknown reason I just feel so so empty a home that I really long for anyone who would give me that kind of love. The truth is, I only see him as a man on our third year, when we accidentally have a fight. It was my mistake and he was really angry. The way he tried to hold his anger and smile slightly when he read the note that I write – asking for forgiveness, the way he look so gentle and loving afterward while whispering that he’s not mad, it shock me.

I mean, most of the guy I joke around with would fight with me while raising his voice and act so childish that it’s just so impossible. None of them treat me as a girl and it is to be expected since I was so fat and my body was undeveloped. I look really plain and I don’t even bother to dress up. I was really short too.. At those time, I started to realize how I am so different with most girl. It’s like we live in a different time of space where our interest just doesn’t match. When I look around with a lonely eyes, I spot him. At that time, he was the only one who was ahead of me and waiting patiently.. He never get mad and when he does, he did it in a way that wouldn’t get me angry. Anyway, it’s not until the third year of high school that we finally decide to go out and last until the second year of university.

I wasn’t much of the girl that a man chase after in my senior high since I am not trying to blend with other much, but in university, I got close to a few guys since I started to accept the fact that I am a flirt. Well, some of them manage to make me blush – and I rarely blush by the way. Some of them act sweet like making me listening to his favorite song in the class and some other just acting like he was bothered by me but stay next to me anyway. I finally aware of one thing, I am a very sweet girl. So this explain why I still manage to get a boyfriend with my average look, ahahaha.

I go out with a few guy and I am the one who end all of them. One of my man used to say that I am a drug, a very addictive one at that. I am very understanding and very patient so even if there was a fight, we resolve it right away. I am very persuasive and even if I want for something, it’s never heavy to go along with my selfish desire. I actually much much gentle and have a very loving heart that sometimes it makes them wonder, why do I want to stay by their side. I never run away from them during their dark hours and I never complain much. I watch my words and always respect them. Maybe I am not one of those slim, attractive and beautiful popular girl, but I have a very sweet smile. And last, I never ashamed of waking next to them.

Even so, it’s not like they were so undeserving all of that. I actually am confused of why they even though that I was an attractive popular girl who were feeling sorry for them and go out with them because of that. Maybe, their past girl were nothing like me – which makes me too good to be true – but they were not that bad either. If I were to break up, most of them were because it’s too tiring for me. I tolerate them way too much but they ended up being too selfish. Too bad that I am so good at taking myself out of the picture. Once I gone, they started to realize how bad they were poisoned by me.

So my shopping list, is actually resulted by them. I want to fall in love but I have a bonding block. I tried so bad, really bad to imitate those love but in the end I failed and it becomes too tiring. My shopping list is not that long actually. If I have to write it down, first is, he has to be able to handle me.

Unlike the was I look on the outside, I am very heavy. It’s almost scary when you realize the way I think – especially when it comes to me – and my history. The past itself wasn’t that bad but to me it’s tear-jerking. Even after years of trying to resolve those gaping hole within my heart, I never made it. I can get very scared when other show me their love, I might break down because of them. But that is exactly what they have to do, they have to be brave to face me even if I run away and got really scared of them. My past man were much of a coward. They want to knew me, but they got really silent once they see me cry. some can’t even tell when I was trying to hide my crying voice on phone.

Second, he has to be able to make me act like a child. I appear to be a spoiled mature girl which was so charming. Since I am so mature, my spoiled attitude were never heavy. I cling, but never troubled them. I am hunger for attention but I know when to stop. I know how to hold back but I do not know how to not holding back. Once in a while, I do want to act crazy and appear child-like. I know I rarely show it but my child-like feature is not bad either. It’s not troublesome, just very cheerful. Unfortunately, since I tend to be more mature that my guy – who mostly older by few years – they ended up depending too much on me and never give me chance to depend on them. that’s why I ended up being too tired.

Third, he has to be smarter than me. I am not that genius but I am smart. I am a quick learner too. Since I was small, I have always admire smart people with a good attitude and that never change. I want him to be smarter than me. It doesn’t necessarily mean the he has to go to a better university and have a better GPA, he just have to be smart. I want him to be able to easily grasp the idea of anything much better than me. I want to respect him without feeling burdened by that respect. I need him to make me feel that it was natural for me to respect him.

And last, I want him to be capable of making me depend on him. I always were “the man” in our relationship. I always were the one who ease their pain and insecurity. I always were the one who is being depended on that I ended up feeling that I am much of a mother than a lover. I do not want to have a kid that big! I am not a babysitter so give me a break. I do not mind to be their mother but if it’s my role all the time, it’s too much for me. I need a lover too, sometimes I need a father, another time I need a friend and maybe sometimes I need a kid. This is mainly why I ended all of those relationship..

A friend did tell me that the air around me, my personality, is what makes even a guy much much older than me feel so relaxed to be spoiled and selfish with me. Not that I mind, what I mind is that they act that way all the time. I have my own trouble too, I have my own problems too. If being in relationship makes me feel so tired, I can’t help but think that I am much better without it. Not to mention what happen between me and my parent 2 years ago, I have a much terrible bonding block that I can’t even believe the love of parent to their child. I become much heavier, much aloof and detached. I take peoples pain but never share mine.

But relationship suppose to be both sided right? That’s why those four list is a must for me. Of course there are much more list that’s optional for me, but is it really too much of a list? I never really got what I want since I was small so I can’t help but being stubborn about this one. Because I know how heartbreaking I can be once I decided to love someone, because I realize how far I would sacrifice myself for the one I love, because I know just terrible I am when It comes to appreciating myself, I can’t help but want a person whom I believe would not leave me broken apart.

Well, I know that maybe to others that is a heavy list, but who knows right? Who knows, God might finally feel sorry and for once give me what I want :p

Love,

F

 

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