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I was reading my friend’s status update when I stumbled to this update by a person I’m quite close with:

I miss the time when I used to be so free. No responsibility, no expectation, no one pulling my legs. I used to fly so free. Now everything become so hard. I’m flying without wings, and it hurts.

If it the past me, I would’ve think about what on earth have happened to him/her and if I could be a little help somehow. I would think that how painful it should be for someone to claim that they are losing their wings. But, I am a change man – or woman.

Before we got to that discussion, I’ll explain a bit about my perspective and my history. I am turning 26 this year and am not married. I don’t even have a man I am committed to. Long story short, I have a lethal allergic toward this things called romance and anything related to it (like marriage and stuff). I have difficulties to talk about the truth to my parent every time they tried to arrange a marriage partner for me. I have what we called boding block. I am capable of taking care of another and playing pretend girlfriend but inside, it’s just plain exhausting. I tend to feel annoyed by their attention and affection.

The real reason of this block is because I have a very little confidence on myself. Might be because I am delusional, but I tend to feel that I am an existence that shouldn’t happen. The final trigger was having the most important part of me broken. In the end, I am forced to admit that the current me is not capable of loving. However, just like how I am incapable of loving, I am also incapable of not loving, which become a huge contradiction. Well, contradiction is me. *whistle*

Just like that contradiction, I also have a contradiction of a desire to go back to the past and the desire of not going back at all. Peeps, do you want to run back to the time when everything was so easy? Me too, I do. It just that I don’t see how things would be better once I turn back the time. People miss their childhood, I don’t. People love their childhood, I don’t.

Even if people called me a selfish kid, the truth is I held back a lot that it hurts.While people my age have their toys and play with their parent, I am alone for my parent were really busy and I was an only kid. There are barely children my age around and the boys like to make me cry so it’s annoying. While you remember about your vacation with you family, I can’t. I do go out once in a while, there are picture as proof. The thing is what I remember are thing that happened daily. They are the memories of playing alone in the middle of grass field while catching butterfly and grasshopper and let them go. They are memories of the curiosity of learning to ride a broken bicycle which was too huge for me and causing quite injuries on my own. Things like that.

When I tried to switch the place, it just the same. If before, I have people closing their windows for feeling annoyed to have a kid peeking through so she can watch the TV, I might have the better chance where I can watch the TV right in front of me. However, I can only watch what is being watch. Not much of difference. I tried to be considerate and not to play their toys unless it’s not being used, but in the end, I heard that I am not suppose to touch those toys for the fear of having me broke them. There are a lot, a lot of unspoken things that better left unspoken. People might try to explain things but they forgot to imagine the way thing were, were them in my shoes. As a child with no pillar of support, alone and was treated as the biggest child who has to understand a lot, or as a child who has no one to run to but periodically put to the corner, was it so wrong for me to feel bitter? It’s not a matter of my position, it just feels so wrong that with all the consideration, it still hurts. Come to think of it, wasn’t this the cause of me crying soundless? This is also what cause me to stop complaining about my pain. Maybe that was for the better, it’s hurt regardless.

Today, I thanks god for making me the way I am. Not having the tendencies of complaining and having a better threshold when it comes to dealing with people, it’s all thanks to my past. I won’t deny that I have people who find me selfish and stubborn, but in my defense I’ll say that I am a change man. I tolerate people to such extend where they thought that they could trample my feeling or pride and wouldn’t be blamed for it. Mother said that she never have extreme fight like I did where I stop talking to other but that’s all thanks to her explosive emotion. She is easy to anger. I am not, I find it hard to be angry. That sounds good right? Unfortunately, since it’s hard for me to get angry, once I did, it would be unbearable. I don’t have poisonous words, but I have bitter facts. I don’t have a fit of anger where I threw stuff and raise my voice, but I have my silence. I wouldn’t be unbearable, but I would be hard to handle.

I am still that way, the difference part is that I withdraw earlier compare to before. If people are simply tiring, I just walk away. Staying takes a lot of effort and if the other party just don’t understand how to stay around me, I’ll just walk away. Maybe some find me selfish, to me they are tiring. In a lot aspect of life, I learn that I have to let go and some of them are something inseparable for me. Regardless, I have to let go. I can’t grab everything with this two hand. Some of my precious are handful and have to be hold with both hand, in that situation I’m forced to let go the things that I am holding in the other hand. It’s a hard choice but that’s what adulthood means.

Now let’s get to the main topic, flying without wings. No, I never had the time where I could fly freely but I do understand the secure feeling of having the wings with you. Having means chance and dream, not having means hopelessness. I do not wish my childhood back by any means but I do miss the time when I do have the wings. Bad news, living is sacrificing. One by one, a child have to let go their most precious item. I won’t deny that some have it worse than the other but I always believe that people are all in pain within their threshold. Some thought they were pushed beyond their limit and survive which grant them the right to judge, to conclude and to be listened to. Ironically, the one who truly earn that right won’t ever use it. Which means, those who claim to be a good person and doing a good deeds while demanding their so called “right”, didn’t have it in the first place.

Some people lost their precious part in the earlier life, some much later. Even when the pain sound the same, the shoulder to take that sadness was too different. One was so small that they can’t even take a bug bites, one is good enough to take a pain of being hurt all over the body. If the pain was the same, for the child, it was beyond him. We grow up and our limit keeps on growing, that’s a good thing. Should you happened to stumble, as long as you manage to stand again, you’ll grew up some more. Problem is, at some point you’ll have to face your worst nightmare. The pain will rips your wing apart. You’ll break so bad beyond recognition.

..will life wait for you to recover?

No.

 

Life force you to fly, fly or you’ll die. Fly! Fly! It doesn’t matter if it’s hurt or if you no longer be able to enjoy the wind, you have to fly. It’s not an option, it’s an order.

Then how will people like me cope with that demand? Did we fly? I don’t know, but I know we are trying to. Even if we seems to not moving from the ground, we desperately tried to fly. Maybe a part of us did want to be up high even if there is a price. Pain, complain, there are so much scream wanting to be out but there are no rooms for them.

I used to think that some of us have it hard but in the end I finally understand that God did know us best. He knew not to give lesson that is beyond us. Those lesson were expensive, they seems to be far above you limit. You’ll feel so terrible that no matter how live brighten, one in a while you’ll cry desperately for unexplained pain within your chest – the soul that miss its wings. There will be once in a lifetime cruelty that makes you give up your wings, but that’s what adulthood brings.

Flying is easy.

If you ignore your bound and what held you back, flying is very easy. With my ages, I have a good bond with a few great people. I can fly. My flaw is that I refuse to press that one button which stop me from giving up that place. I am caged. I let myself to. I can breakaway but I’ll lose my place. It might not be beautiful, but my cage is what I’ve been protecting for my whole life. While people complain about flying without wings, I am having a hard time to fight my desire to fly. I find it harder..

I know people will talk about how lazy or lack of ambition I am. Some will blame me for being so selfish and playing victim for keeping the sadness within me. They’ll tell their tale about their miserable life and their pain which gave them right to be a listener. They demand me to let them touch my wound and get away with it. They’ll say the word I hate the most and claim to know me best. They’ll push me to the corner and keep on forcing me to fly. They’ll say this is their good intention.

It’s hard enough for me to fight my desire to fly, it’s become harder when people make it impossible for me not to fly. I am taking a small step, one at a time, so I can leave without breaking my castle but it’s like walking on egg shells. I can cope with it, but its painful.

I want to fly even if without wing.

I’ll jump from the cliff for a few second of flying even if it’s a suicide.

It’s twisted but the current me think that having your wings robbed from you is a given. Human are not made for flying, they are made to find a way to fly without those wings. It maybe sounds inconsiderate, but I find it better not to meddle with other life when they complain about being forced to fly without wing. Eventually, each of us will be pushed far beyond our limit. Some have it earlier some later. I should be thankful that I knew it earlier than people around me. I might have a big head and live as an ignorant weren’t I pushed that bad.

I don’t think it’s that bad to lose your wing. The view might be different but if you can appreciate the beauty, the ground is not less beautiful. So, why not just enjoy the muddy road? Even if you no longer be able to fly that high, the current view is not so bad right? Of course once in a while you’ll see the sky and miss the cloud, it would be painful but you can take it right?

The beauty become much more beautiful once they are gone. They might have a lot of stories but those stories will only shine brighter when the object is gone.

Love,

F

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