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I won’t lie.

It’s cold, It’s scary.

But it has always been that way..

The kingdom of isolation, and it seems like I’m the queen”, isn’t that part of the frozen song? If only life can be that easy, as easy as how the song continued with a line “let it go!”. If only life is meant to be perfect and safe, as perfect as how olaf stay alive not melted until the end of the movie. If only it’s all that beautiful, how wonderful it would be?

I am used to the quite environment. I am used to the busy parent and their suffocating love. I am used to so much dark and painful thought that I shoulder on the earlier age. It drive me crazy, it makes me pushed people away. I grown afraid of love and alike, I am afraid of kindness. I do not believe that happiness will last. I am walking on the edge of the cliff day by day. It’s exhausting, I must admit.

Desperately I look around, searching for a hand to hold on to. I found a man, who can keep me safe as a father would. He was so big, he was so magical, he was nothing I ever knew. He was a new existence I finally get to know. He teach me about love, about a man and a woman. He was so mature and kind. He was the light of my life. Perhaps, even now, I am forcing myself not to look at him so bad for the fear of realizing that I am not completely free of him.

However, I was the way I was, he was the way he was. We race toward the goal but I ran way too fast. Suddenly, we are no longer in the same space. I lost him, the oasis of my life. Why is he not trying to run after me? Why am I not willing to wait just a few second longer? I am the way I am so I move forward. Once in a while I’ll look around just to see that I am alone. Has it always been this quite?

I look back, but you are far behind. I tried to call your name but my voice won’t come out. I’m scared. Why am I all alone? I know I’m used to this, I know the road before has always been like this. Fortunately, once I was taught about the sun and its ray. I was taught about the wind and its breeze. I am so in love with those new experience. I know that it won’t stay that way but I always pray it would.

Alas, why is there a thick fog up ahead? Where’s my sun when I need to see?

Alas, why is there a huge storm in every place that I reach? Did the wind forget its gentle breeze?

I won’t lie. It’s cold and scary. But it has always been that way. How did I live with it before? How did I live in the fog before? How did I use to handle the storm before?

Have I become so weak?

I am a grown up woman, that’s a fact.

I need a man, that’s a given.

I am but a weak and a heavy baggage, that I understand.

Even so,

I still need what others need.

I just want my own bundles of light, one to lead the way.

I just want a strong chest, one where I can lay.

I just want a warm hand, one to hold my hand.

Because I just want to be safe, I am so sick of otherwise..

I am tired of realizing, how I need someone to hold me. I am tired of realizing, how I need a heart who can reach my heart. Not that I am so distant, I have those who I hold dear. Unfortunately, their word couldn’t settle me. Even when I understand that they care, that they mean what they said, my heart stays restless. This is painful. Help me.

I need a hand to close my eyes. I wish he would whisper that the nightmare would pass. I wish he’ll help me hide my tears, so I can cry endlessly. Because the pain that I hide, is just too much. Won’t you hide my tears for me? Will you let me cry like a baby girl? Whisper to me: “It’s okay, you can cry. I’ll shed your tears so just cry. I’ll give you kisses and hugs, so be at ease and just cry. It’s okay to cry..”.

Will he let me scream and sobbing like a kid? I’ve never cry like that for ages. I wonder how refreshing that would be.. Will he hold me and makes me cry? Will he do so just to give me an excuse to cry? Will he, with his gentle heart, make up his mind to hold this broken heart? Where are you? Won’t you come to my rescue?

I am a grown up woman, that’s a fact. I need a man, that’s a given. I am but a weak and a heavy baggage, that I understand. Even so, I still need what others need. I just want my own bundles of light, one to lead the way. I just want a strong chest, one where I can lay. I just want a warm hand, one to hold my hand. Because I just want to be safe, I am so sick of otherwise..

It’s a very lonely road, I must admit. I keep on looking back, I was tempted. I seek the place that I don’t belong for so long. How far I will act like a fool? I am desperate for a love, I realize. But what is love? Is it this strange dependencies to feel safe? What is wrong with my stormy heart? Where is my summer? I’m tired of winter.. ah, it’s cold.

The journey, feels so long. Sometimes, it feel so wrong. It’s so quite, won’t you talk to me? I feel so lost, won’t you take my hand? It feels so cold, won’t you hold fit me in your arm?

Somewhere in the world, across the time, did you think of me?

Hurry, I am losing my strength.

Hurry, I am losing my will.

Run. Come to my side. I am fading..

Won’t you come to my rescue?

I’m waiting, don’t let me dying..

F

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