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It’s tiring and sometimes it feels so cold. Given the dark hour I experienced, naturally I want someone to help me shoulder on. One who has what it takes to speak the word which could reach my heart. Such a rare creature it may seem, but not like they do not exist.

Once, there used to be a lips whom his word can barely melt my barrier. Not all the time, but sometime he was capable of talking to me. I want him not to be around, for he exposes my weakness, he can see through my cowardice act. I don’t want him at my side.

However, time by time, I found myself crawling back to him. Although I stop in the mid-way, it doesn’t change the fact that I want to run to him somewhere along the line. I must admit, even if I deny it, part of me just want to jump to his arm. I am tired, just tired.

But like usual, when my resolve is shaken, a dream come to me. Just like usual, it’s a dream about you who treat me bad without consideration toward my feeling. You were forcing me, forcefully carrying me to your place even thought I struggle so hard to break free. And when I finally manage to run from you, you send me text in Caps Lock. All of those word were curses I can’t take. Even with my calm personality, I can’t take those harsh word.

I was awake a few minutes later, in anger.

I hate you, I tried to. But the hatred never last long. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Hey, won’t you make it easier for us? After we conclude that we are not made for each other, can we just pretend that we don’t know each other? Why are you texting me, calling my number, when you make it clear that your love for me would never fade? You are making me weak.

I hate being weak.