Finally new post! So peeps, howdy? How’s life?
“Take notice of what can and can’t be eaten! Take notice of things that should be and shouldn’t be done. I know that you find sick and illness as a way to erase your sin but at least try to be healthy. If you are sick all the time then your life would be meaningless. What good would it do spending all day laying on your bed?”
ah.. My life is meaningless even when I am healthy anyway. I gave her a blank stare.
“I mean, perhaps if you are healthy, you can do much good deed. You can pray more etc.”
Well, that’s a nice follow up but you know what? I do not care about being healthy or not. Not like I complain much when I’m in pain. So, why does it matter whether I’m healthy or not?
I’m not saying that I have totally no interest in staying healthy. I just have no motivation in trying to be healthy. Since my much weaker body is not giving any burden to other, I just bear with it. I didn’t complain or ask why did God let this body get worse and I’m even thankful for that. Thank god, I am given a good excuse to be lazy and stay at my room.
I am not suicidal. Why the hell would I want to kill my own life? I just feel indifferent toward it. I don’t think it really matter for anyone if I’m around. If anything, perhaps their life would be much much, a whole lot better were I am not around. I admit that fact and even though it pain me a little to say this, I do feel that perhaps it’s much better not to prolog my life span.
To be honest, I even pray: “God, if I am going to be sick then make it worse. Make it so much worse that there’s no cure. This way, I can avoid making my family waste their money for me. And since a terrible illness might render me into a useless girl who can’t even move her own finger, make it fast. Give me a deadly illness that kills quick. I will be grateful for that“.
Do I not feel the tiniest form of love toward my own body to be able to pray that way? I realize later that I do have it, a very small amount of love. Somehow I feel like there’s a heavy boulder crushing my chest and I just feel sorry for me. I sincerely feel very sorry for the foolish me who feel okay to pray like that.
..In this life, have I no value at all?
not that I really care. *laugh*