Bestfriend Edition – Happy Born Day Cincah!

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Halo cincah! Cewe cantik, baik hati, suka menolong, ramah dan rajin menabung buat beli kosmetik, selamat ulang tahun tantiik. Doa dari pacarmu ini ga muluk-muluk. Semoga ga jerawatan lagi, semoga ga kusam lagi(?), semoga ACnya ga ngambek ngambek lagi. Sebenernya aku pengen doian biar jarum timbangan kamu geser ke kanan biar nyamain berat aku, tapi berhubung kamu lagi ultah and aku lagi baik jadi aku doain semoga gesernya ke kiri aja. Tapi gesernya dikit aja ya, jangan banyak-banyak. Biar kalo aku lagi berdiri samping kamu cc, kita ga keliatan kayak angka sepuluh.

Eh, aku doa yang muluk muluk juga deh. Semoga kamu nambah tinggi ya cc. Biar di wedding day ama si bebi kamu ga perlu cari highheels yang belasan senti. Kan kesian juga kalo si bebi harus nemenin kamu muter muter buat nyari highheels yang pas. Kesian juga si fotografer yang bakalan pusing ngatur fokus gara gara gap tinggi kalian kegedean. Lol *siap siap dibunuh cc.

…eh, tapi jangan deh. Kamu jangan nambah tinggi cc. Biar aku bisa ngado kursi kecil buat pijakan kamu pas berdiri samping si brondong pas nikahan. Ahaha. *dibunuh beneran.

*I’m dead.

*hidup lagi.

*jadi zombie buat minta traktiran malem ini di mimpi cc.

Btw nikahannya kapan cc?

*dibunuh lagi.

Tak terasa hari yang sama kembali datang ya cc? Hari ini tepat berusia 25 bukan? Setidaknya tahun ini aku lebih berbahagia karena kamu telah menapak lebih tegap di bumi ini dibanding tahun tahun yang lalu. Selamat yaa, sudah berhasil mendapatkan karir yang baik. Setidaknya masa depan kamu lebih secure dengan posisi yang kamu miliki sekarang. Best prayer from me, semoga impian kamu untuk bisa memberikan kado perjalanan haji buat mami tersayang segera terkabul! Amiin.

Dan karena mau tak mau kita sudah di fase “wanita dewasa”, izinkan aku mendoakan kamu agar segera memperoleh pendamping hidup yang kamu impikan. Semoga Allah membaikkan pilihanmu agar bisa bersanding kelak dan tetap mencinta hingga lanjut usia. Dan jika pilihanmu bukan yang terbaik untukmu, semoga Allah memilihkan insannya yang terkasih, teristimewa, yang akan mengistimewakanmu hingga menutup mata.

Aku mohon maaf karena seperti tahun tahun sebelumnya, aku dan culsky belum bisa untuk hadir di sana di hari bersejarah ini. Kami ingin, dan selalu berharap agar bisa ada disana, disisi kamu, bersama orang orang berharga dikehidupanmu, untuk memberikan sebuah pelukan sambil bersyukur untuk masih diberi kesempatan menjalani hidup bersama. Mungkin suatu hari, saat takdir kehidupan mengizinkan kita tumbuh bersama bersisian, aku dan cul, akan ada disana saat kamu meniup lilin di kue ulang tahunmu. Hingga saat itu tiba, bersabarlah dan maafkan kami.

Hei cc, apakah kamu bahagia?

Disini, dan di benua seberang sana, aku dan cul selalu, selalu berharap akan satu pinta.

Allah, jagalah senyumannya..

Jika itu mimpi yang tak kunjung datang, maka hadirkanlah. Jika itu kasih yang mulai hilang, maka nyalakan lah. Jika itu harap yang mulai redup, maka sinarkanlah. Allah, jagalah senyumannya..

Cukupkanlah gelap di kehidupannya. Biarkan dia menari bersimbah cahaya mentari. Jika itu awan, maka cukupkanlah hanya sebagai tempat berteduh. Jika itu angin, maka cukupkanlah sebagai pembawa udara segar. Jika itu hujan, maka hadirkanlah tempat bernaung. Jika itu malam, maka taburilah bintang di samping rembulan – jangan biarkan ia sendiri di gelapnya malam. Allah, jagalah senyumnya..

Wahai sahabat terkasih, hangatkah hatimu di sana?

Allah, lindungilah hatinya.

Jika jatuh, semoga senantiasa utuh. Jika hujan, semoga tak berkarat. Jika terbakar, semoga tak lapuk. Allah, lindungilah hatinya..

Putri sayang, kami tak mampu saingi mentari yang senantiasa bersinar dan cerahkan hari. Namun kami pun tak akan seperti mentari, yang bersembunyi dan mengizinkan mimpi buruk datang menyusup di gelapnya malam.

Putri sayang, kami tak mampu saingi bulan, tuk cerahkan malam dan jadi pelita di gelapnya malam. Pun kami tak akan mampu tuk saingi bintang, tuk hiasi langit malam di sendunya hati. Namun kami akan jadi dinding tuk dengarkan bisik sepimu, dan sepasang sepatu tuk ikut rasakan lelahnya jejak langkahmu.

Putri sayang, kami tak mampu saingi awan hujan, untuk basahi kemarau yang gersangkan hatimu. Namun kami tak akan seperti awan hujan yang datang dan pergi tak tentu. Setidaknya kami akan jadi awan, cukup tuk tutupi matahari saat sinarnya tak lagi ramah.

Putri sayang, kami tak akan mampu saingi permata di kehidupanmu, dan tak akan pernah mencoba. Karena kami hanyalah sepasang diari, yang akan setia menanti ceritamu dan berharap bahwa kali ini kisahnya adalah celotehan riang.

Maka meski kami pudar, kami tak pernah hilang. Kamu hanya perlu berhenti dan menoleh kebelakang, karena kami ada.

Maka meski terasa dingin dan sepi, kami selalu di sini. Kamu hanya perlu mengulurkan tangan untuk kami genggam dan hangatkan.

Maka meski kita tak lagi selangkah, kami akan selalu ada. Kamu hanya perlu berbisik, dan kami akan datang.

Karena kami adalah sahabatmu, yang cinta dan merindu.

Semoga Allah menjaga persahabatan kita, hingga nanti di usia senja.

Hey cc, so? How was your day this year?

May it full of bless, may it full of love.

May it full of smile, may it full of a joy.

May it stay that way, all the day ‘till the same date come.

And when it happen, I’ll chant the same prayer.

Because above all, I wish for your happiness the most.

Hey cc, I heard this year is a no-gift day?

In that case, I pray that God will give you the best gift ever, one that you’ll never dream of.

Hey cc,

Are you happy?

I’m happy that you were born.

I’m happy that you continue to live on.

I’m happy that I’m blessed to met you.

I’m happy that I get to know you.

I’m happy that I get to be your childhood friend.

I’m happy that we went to the same school.

I’m happy that I get to be one of your precious friend.

I’m happy that for getting the honor to be one of your close friend.

I’m happy!

So very much!

Are you?

May god let your life fills with love and happiness.

I love you, We love you.

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From Bukittinggi with love,

Your bestfriend

F

Dream Journal: Awkwardly Futuristic Dream – in English

//Part 1

I was alone in a burnt building. The view around me seems familiar. There is this sofa which no longer recognizable if it not for the fabric’s pattern and there is this mic in front of what seem to be an auditorium. This seems to be a very modern building which also function as a mall. Why am I here?

I gasped when I saw my own reflection. My clothes is tattered and my body seems dirty with black color ash. I looked beaten up. However, something comes to my mind. What is this ring that I am wearing? It’s not my belonging and my mind refuse to take it off. What on earth is happening??

//Part 2

I was in a jail with a group of four. Two man and two woman, I am one of them. The man name was taken from a legendary man, Ismail Marzuki and I can’t remember the other one. What I know is his name is the name of the closest friend of a well-known street musician. The other girl named Danisa, a very pretty girl as pretty as her name. We seems to have committed a very terrible crime on an international scale and are having our death sentence.

The officer was a woman, and she was making a decision of which would be killed first. For some unknown reason, I offered to be the first victim. I have no idea why would I attempt that but it seems that I was bailing some time for the group. Since the officer decide to kill one a day, I was thinking of giving my friend even one second longer to attempt a jail-break. The thing is, when the officer is about to inject this poison to my body, I suddenly feel scared and regret.  I was just afraid of the pain of death. I was also regretting not coming home for so long.

Feeling that I can’t just die like that, I asked the officer to let me call my family for one last time. I just want to say sorry for not being there on their older age. I was just sorry for not being able to take care of them. I am sorry for disappearing and never saying anything for all this years. Poor me, the officer refuse to give me my final wish. As the poison flow inside my body, I can feel the terrible pain and how my strength disappearing. I have no idea how, but I understand that Mail (ismail Marzuki) and Danisa manage to break free from the jail with the cost of my and (let say his name was) luffy. Knowing that much, I can die peacefully.

//Part 3

I opened my eyes and saw the face of two people wearing a white robe. One of them look totally like my mother. I was confused since I thought I was dead. It’s too vivid to be a a mere dream. It seems that I was a subject of research and later I know that I was injected with a large dose of morphin right into my brain. They were asking me about what I experienced and I decided to lie and told them that nothing happened. I was having a very good sleep. Those researchers believe me since I am not aware of my current action and can’t remember things that I just did when I woke up.

What about me? I am puzzled. I can’t understand what is happening and start to forget my long dream about in exploded building or about dying in a jail. What can I possibly commit? I can do no harm for all of my life. This is just a very vivid long dream. Let’s pretend that I was watching a movie and that’s it.

//Part 4

I was accepted as an employee to the biggest company. I was walking around in a somewhat familiar building. The door, the room, the way the big glass window align, I knew all of them. I can’t recall why until I accidentally meet Mail. We are both a total stranger but I feel like I knew him for years. I  didn’t try to talk to him for it would be strange to just come to him.

On the other day, I also help a lost girl who look a lot like Danisa but with different attitude. I can’t explain why but I was sure that it’s her. Suddenly, there was  an uproar about a missing actress who disappear without a trace. Believe me, she is the very picture of Danisa down to the way she dress up. When I was in confusion, the girl that I helped suddenly come to me with a different look and attitude, exactly like the Danisa I know. She seems to suffer a multiple personality disorder and “Danisa” is only one part of them. It’s weird since the one on my dream have none of that disorder. Maybe the one I knew already cure her disorder..?

This is all a coincidence, isn’t it?

But tell me, what am I suppose to think when suddenly the four total stranger was called to the meeting room by the higher up and those four people just happen to be my group on that long vivid dream? It’s normal to develop a superstition right?

// Part 5

I was in an auditorium with a huge headache. The view I see keep on overlapping with the one on my dream like a warning. Every corner, every part of the building, even the fabric and the color of the carpet are exactly like the one on my dream. I see Mail and Danisa across the room and the headache just getting terrible. I can’t take it anymore and tried to get away from the room.

But, a woman stop me. She is acting like a lecture and is giving me a special lesson which was written in Arabic language. A person come and he keep her busy with something while talking about a project that is written in a paper. I took a glance and understand that it was a train project. The railway are across the country so this train would serve as an international transportation. Everything is okay until they started to talk about a climate that should never happen here, snow. They are talking about frozen village or something and I tried to copy the project to my notebook but alas, the lecture found out. She stop me.

I was pretending not understanding their discussion so the professor wouldn’t found out my real intention for joining her so called special class. With a cold sweat, I walk away from the room and the buiding

// Part 6

There are a lot of people gathering in this room. Luffy was acting like a technician, Danisa as the capable secretary, Mail as the genius student, and I as the employee. It seems that by that time, the group are already working together seeing how we signal each other. The purpose of this gathering is to introduce the newly developed transportation system – although I can’t understand what makes train a newly developed one.

In the middle of the seminar, I was confused when the higher ups told us that the train move without needing any energy at all. Somehow I asked a stupid question to the one next to me about what year is today. To my surprise, he answered ‘2500’. What the hell?

Back to the topic, the train seems to need an activation and the very thing that serve as the activation is a ring. Doesn’t that sounds familiar? Remember about me wearing a ring that doesn’t belong to me? (in the dream).

I don’t understand what is happening but I was nodding at Danisa and my body just move on it’s own. All the four of us are going to do something that I have no idea.

// Part 7

I was in fear and grabbed Mail’s hand right after the four of us met in the room for the first time. I drag him as far as I could and tell him about my dream, everything. He has a hard time believing me until some weird things happen too him. I did the same with luffy but yet to meet Danisa.

We are just confused.

Why did the higher ups chose us out of thousands?

// Part 8

Danisa was out of breath. She and I was running away from something. The air is full of smoke and we are desperate. Suddenly, I carry her and jump from the 30th floor. We should’ve died if I didn’t manage to land at the third floor.

We are desperate. The whole building are about to explode, so does the train. If we can’t get as far as we could from the train itself, we’ll burn.

Fortunately, we manage to find a motorcycle and runaway. However, Danisa was losing her strength. She fall from the motorcycle and I was desperately trying to wake her up while screaming: “No Danisa! We almost made it! Hold me! Don’t Give up! Hold me!!”

Then everything went black

 

I wake up.

What a long dream!!!

If a dream has meaning behind it, I really wanna know the meaning behind this one..

PMS – in English

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The struggle is real!

I got my first period pretty late and since the night before it happened I fell from the stairs, the blood that flows were horribly a lot. Compare to most of my friend, I didn’t experience this so called PMS. My period is normal and irregular at the time. It’s not painful, no cram, just too much blood and make me a little anemic.

As I grew older, my period started to happen regularly. I noticed that there is PMS syndrome which is rather than psychological, more like biological to me. I tend to have a fever a week before my period and it’s painful. From H-3 to H+3 of period, my body suffer quite a lot. First, there is this sluggish feeling and my body just can’t produce energy. It gets worse since I tend to lose my appetite too. Second, the cramp. At worse, I can’t even stand since the cramp is too much and I am trying my best to bear with it.

However, that doesn’t swing my mood drastically to the point that I get easily irritated. I might get angry easily compare to normal but that would only happen when I am too tired dealing with all the pain and cramp. Maybe that’s because I’m generally calm to begin with. When I realize that not all of the girl have it as worse as me, but tend to be more unreasonable compare to me , I can’t help but wonder “PMS, is it real?”.

What if..?

What if PMS is just an urban legend and become a great excuse to act as unreasonable as they wanted to be?

So, I ended up asking my friend about it. Well, obviously I asked it to one who can answer objectively. According to her, PMS does exist. She can’t explain why but she tend to have a terrible mood swing and even when she tried to control it, somehow she still get easily irritated. Well, perhaps it’s something hormonal.

So, there you have it gentleman. It seems that PMS does exist. Meanwhile, I am awake since 2 a.m. since I can’t sleep because of my period. *facepalm*

Indifferent – in English

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Finally new post! So peeps, howdy? How’s life?

Take notice of what can and can’t be eaten! Take notice of things that should be and shouldn’t be done. I know that you find sick and illness as a way to erase your sin but at least try to be healthy. If you are sick all the time then your life would be meaningless. What good would it do spending all day laying on your bed?

ah.. My life is meaningless even when I am healthy anyway. I gave her a blank stare.

I mean, perhaps if you are healthy, you can do much good deed. You can pray more etc.

Well, that’s a nice follow up but you know what? I do not care about being healthy or not. Not like I complain much when I’m in pain. So, why does it matter whether I’m healthy or not?

I’m not saying that I have totally no interest in staying healthy. I just have no motivation in trying to be healthy. Since my much weaker body is not giving any burden to other, I just bear with it. I didn’t complain or ask why did God let this body get worse and I’m even thankful for that. Thank god, I am given a good excuse to be lazy and stay at my room.

I am not suicidal. Why the hell would I want to kill my own life? I just feel indifferent toward it. I don’t think it really matter for anyone if I’m around. If anything, perhaps their life would be much much, a whole lot better were I am not around. I admit that fact and even though it pain me a little to say this, I do feel that perhaps it’s much better not to prolog my life span.

To be honest, I even pray: “God, if I am going to be sick then make it worse. Make it so much worse that there’s no cure. This way, I can avoid making my family waste their money for me. And since a terrible illness might render me into a useless girl who can’t even move her own finger, make it fast. Give me a deadly illness that kills quick. I will be grateful for that“.

Do I not feel the tiniest form of love toward my own body to be able to pray that way? I realize later that I do have it, a very small amount of love. Somehow I feel like there’s a heavy boulder crushing my chest and I just feel sorry for me. I sincerely feel very sorry for the foolish me who feel okay to pray like that.

..In this life, have I no value at all?

not that I really care. *laugh*

Yet, Another Warning – in English

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It’s tiring and sometimes it feels so cold. Given the dark hour I experienced, naturally I want someone to help me shoulder on. One who has what it takes to speak the word which could reach my heart. Such a rare creature it may seem, but not like they do not exist.

Once, there used to be a lips whom his word can barely melt my barrier. Not all the time, but sometime he was capable of talking to me. I want him not to be around, for he exposes my weakness, he can see through my cowardice act. I don’t want him at my side.

However, time by time, I found myself crawling back to him. Although I stop in the mid-way, it doesn’t change the fact that I want to run to him somewhere along the line. I must admit, even if I deny it, part of me just want to jump to his arm. I am tired, just tired.

But like usual, when my resolve is shaken, a dream come to me. Just like usual, it’s a dream about you who treat me bad without consideration toward my feeling. You were forcing me, forcefully carrying me to your place even thought I struggle so hard to break free. And when I finally manage to run from you, you send me text in Caps Lock. All of those word were curses I can’t take. Even with my calm personality, I can’t take those harsh word.

I was awake a few minutes later, in anger.

I hate you, I tried to. But the hatred never last long. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Hey, won’t you make it easier for us? After we conclude that we are not made for each other, can we just pretend that we don’t know each other? Why are you texting me, calling my number, when you make it clear that your love for me would never fade? You are making me weak.

I hate being weak.

Tale of the Lonely Road – in English

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I won’t lie.

It’s cold, It’s scary.

But it has always been that way..

The kingdom of isolation, and it seems like I’m the queen”, isn’t that part of the frozen song? If only life can be that easy, as easy as how the song continued with a line “let it go!”. If only life is meant to be perfect and safe, as perfect as how olaf stay alive not melted until the end of the movie. If only it’s all that beautiful, how wonderful it would be?

I am used to the quite environment. I am used to the busy parent and their suffocating love. I am used to so much dark and painful thought that I shoulder on the earlier age. It drive me crazy, it makes me pushed people away. I grown afraid of love and alike, I am afraid of kindness. I do not believe that happiness will last. I am walking on the edge of the cliff day by day. It’s exhausting, I must admit.

Desperately I look around, searching for a hand to hold on to. I found a man, who can keep me safe as a father would. He was so big, he was so magical, he was nothing I ever knew. He was a new existence I finally get to know. He teach me about love, about a man and a woman. He was so mature and kind. He was the light of my life. Perhaps, even now, I am forcing myself not to look at him so bad for the fear of realizing that I am not completely free of him.

However, I was the way I was, he was the way he was. We race toward the goal but I ran way too fast. Suddenly, we are no longer in the same space. I lost him, the oasis of my life. Why is he not trying to run after me? Why am I not willing to wait just a few second longer? I am the way I am so I move forward. Once in a while I’ll look around just to see that I am alone. Has it always been this quite?

I look back, but you are far behind. I tried to call your name but my voice won’t come out. I’m scared. Why am I all alone? I know I’m used to this, I know the road before has always been like this. Fortunately, once I was taught about the sun and its ray. I was taught about the wind and its breeze. I am so in love with those new experience. I know that it won’t stay that way but I always pray it would.

Alas, why is there a thick fog up ahead? Where’s my sun when I need to see?

Alas, why is there a huge storm in every place that I reach? Did the wind forget its gentle breeze?

I won’t lie. It’s cold and scary. But it has always been that way. How did I live with it before? How did I live in the fog before? How did I use to handle the storm before?

Have I become so weak?

I am a grown up woman, that’s a fact.

I need a man, that’s a given.

I am but a weak and a heavy baggage, that I understand.

Even so,

I still need what others need.

I just want my own bundles of light, one to lead the way.

I just want a strong chest, one where I can lay.

I just want a warm hand, one to hold my hand.

Because I just want to be safe, I am so sick of otherwise..

I am tired of realizing, how I need someone to hold me. I am tired of realizing, how I need a heart who can reach my heart. Not that I am so distant, I have those who I hold dear. Unfortunately, their word couldn’t settle me. Even when I understand that they care, that they mean what they said, my heart stays restless. This is painful. Help me.

I need a hand to close my eyes. I wish he would whisper that the nightmare would pass. I wish he’ll help me hide my tears, so I can cry endlessly. Because the pain that I hide, is just too much. Won’t you hide my tears for me? Will you let me cry like a baby girl? Whisper to me: “It’s okay, you can cry. I’ll shed your tears so just cry. I’ll give you kisses and hugs, so be at ease and just cry. It’s okay to cry..”.

Will he let me scream and sobbing like a kid? I’ve never cry like that for ages. I wonder how refreshing that would be.. Will he hold me and makes me cry? Will he do so just to give me an excuse to cry? Will he, with his gentle heart, make up his mind to hold this broken heart? Where are you? Won’t you come to my rescue?

I am a grown up woman, that’s a fact. I need a man, that’s a given. I am but a weak and a heavy baggage, that I understand. Even so, I still need what others need. I just want my own bundles of light, one to lead the way. I just want a strong chest, one where I can lay. I just want a warm hand, one to hold my hand. Because I just want to be safe, I am so sick of otherwise..

It’s a very lonely road, I must admit. I keep on looking back, I was tempted. I seek the place that I don’t belong for so long. How far I will act like a fool? I am desperate for a love, I realize. But what is love? Is it this strange dependencies to feel safe? What is wrong with my stormy heart? Where is my summer? I’m tired of winter.. ah, it’s cold.

The journey, feels so long. Sometimes, it feel so wrong. It’s so quite, won’t you talk to me? I feel so lost, won’t you take my hand? It feels so cold, won’t you hold fit me in your arm?

Somewhere in the world, across the time, did you think of me?

Hurry, I am losing my strength.

Hurry, I am losing my will.

Run. Come to my side. I am fading..

Won’t you come to my rescue?

I’m waiting, don’t let me dying..

F

Messy Missy – in English

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Messy Missy is having a very long day after working at her family shop and looking after her siblings, without connection to internet. She is feeling great when she finally get to rest and the signal is back. Of course, just like any other day, tons of notification comes. Messy Missy is not fond of social network but she has the necessary one. Twitter, facebook, instagram, tumblr and email, she has it all. Though, she mostly only become a passive user. But let’s not forget chat’s application like line, whatsapp and BBM, those noisy application that she can’t remove. Having all of that, of course there would be a lot – very much – notification, wouldn’t it?

So Messy Missy wasn’t expecting much, none of those notification can stir her heart. She was so distant while fighting depression. She was so cold while trying to protect her own castle. Many walk away, less trouble. Plus she accidentally have her long-used mobile number deactivated for good. What could go wrong, she mumbled. Unfortunately, there is this message from her ex, one that she’s with for the longest. “(cry), babe, I can’t reach you.. I want to talk to you”, he wrote. She’s shaken, she’s quite shaken. Poor her.

She put her hand on her chest while asking, “What is this prick that I feel?“. Messy Missy is disturbed, but she’s smiling. Not because she was rejoicing that they might get back together, that was so out stretching. She was happy for the fact that her numbed heart could actually feel. “God, I can feel! Ah, to think I get so happy over the fact that I am disturbed.. I am so messed up..“, she whispers.

Missy Messy steal a glance at her mobile phone, wondering if she should give him her new number. Would it be wise? Wouldn’t it mess up their clean break? Is there really a need for him to call her? What should she do? But then her heart continue to ache, prick prick. Ah, this is so uncomfortable.

Missy Messy is feeling funny, she can’t sleep even with all the sleepiness. She wonder if she should ask her playmate to call her. They can temporarily sooth her heart. But wouldn’t it be so mean of her to play those fire when she knew how they like her to the point that her voice sounds like a lullaby? “No, No. Hold back, hold back.” she strengthen her will.

So Messy Missy fall asleep, waking up at the middle of the night with a few notification on her phone. The ex is asking her new number, the playmate somehow is asking her new number too. Well then, now that she feels better, why not just give them what they asked? Messy Missy confident that she can keep things clean, even when she messed up in the future, why not? After all, messy Missy tend to have a messy story.

*chuckle*

*end of story*

Belly dance – in English

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Hello peeps!

Today, unlike the other day, I’d like to be sassy and talk about something useful. What would that be? Right! Belly dance!

Question: What started this sudden belly-dance-fever?

Well, I am feeling fat lately. Can you believe me when I say that I gained 4 kilos of fat? Gross!! I’ve been trying any kind of diet and none of them worked. Eating less is no use since I am normally eating less than average people..

Finally, I tried so many kind of workout. I tried to find aerobic videos that enable me to practice it in my own room. The down side is, I am pear shaped woman – heavy bottom. Those type of workout makes my butt seems super large since it stay the same while the upper body got slimmer. Plus, although my upper body seems slimmer, my stomach is not flattened.

Feeling desperate, I ended up looking through the “exercise” folder on my external Hard Disk. I found a folder named belly dance and copy it to my laptop. Once I started, I was hooked up! So, the fever is not going to end for a while!

 

Question: Where did you got all those videos?

At first, I was searching for some tutorial on how to dance for beginner. I ended up on her channel “coco berlin” and from then on, I open some playlist and download some of her videos.

 

Question: What do you think about her video?

Her video are great! When I first watching a belly dance video, I was like meh, so easy. Those typical video were all great but the instruction wasn’t clear. So I arrogantly thought that my movement was right. Forgive me coco, I have no idea my movement was so messed up.

When I watch her video, I finally understand how the real movement suppose to be and I realize that I am no where near the right move. Belly dance move are so hard and complicated and it’s hard for a beginner to even do a very basic move. However I am thankful to coco for breaking down those move to make it easier for beginner like me to follow. Great video coco!

 

Question: Where can I find her video?

You can find her video on her channel (link available before). You can also find more about her on her website coco-bauchtaenzerin-berlin. On her website, there’s also a link that direct to another page which contains her videos. If you want to directly go to her online classes video, you can visit essencebellydance.com.

I really recommend her video so make sure to visit okay!

 

That’s all for today. Love you all peeps,

F

 

Self Questioning – in English

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Before I start, to those who tend to find what is described is about him and busy being defensive later on, please leave. You might find what I write irritating.

Second, to those who can’t completely cast aside his pride and live his life while always being right, please leave. You might find my questioning so terribly rude.

Finally, to those who are always busy on saying that you can totally relate to other and tend to be offended when the other says that you can’t understand him, please leave. I might give the same tiring feeling to you in this post.

Now then, are all the one remains are those open minded gentleman?

Please pardon my idea if it happens to be confusing. After all, rather than sharing ideas, this post is more like a debate within me. Enjoy!

No one live without a scar. Big or small, a scar is a scar. Terrible or light, a scar is painful. There is this dialogue in a drama that I watched where the villain was saying that a plant which was spoiled too much (given too much water, etc) will most likely die. On the other hand, a plant which suffers a manageable stress would produce the best fruit. In this perspective, it is clear that what groom us is our suffering. Though it sounds terrible, we need a certain amount of wounds for us to grow up nicely.

Another question arise, how do we know that is a manageable stress? We are, after all, just a human. We have the tendencies to limit ourselves. While some tend to underestimate themselves, another overestimate it. How do we know that every stress that we encounter is manageable? The answer lies within us. Human are a very amazing creature, are we not? We survive this far, develop a great technology, all this while enduring what we thought were beyond us, weren’t we? Some might meet his end, but who’s to say that he failed? Some says that failures are a success of knowing hurdles and mistakes. We only need to shift our gaze to see everything in a totally new point of view.

This could be a very long discussion so I am going to set a limit.

What I am going to discuss right now is about ‘intention’.

What is an intention? Is it a reason? Is it a desire? What makes our action is true to what we intent it to be? Let’s get a very good example, kindness. When is a kindness, a kindness? Was it when we say it to be? Was it when we use it as our intention? Was it when the one affected find it kind? Was it us to say? Or was it others to say?

I knew people who never claim to be a good being. They are like a light, comfortable to be around. They are like the air, help you breath when it’s suffocating. Some of them gave away the image of a good person right away. Some others are misunderstood by their confusing action. Either way, both of them are kind.

I also know people who claim to be a bad person, one who openly confess their sins. They are not proud of their sin but it was a fact that they are what they did. While some of them are terrible, some of them indeed really value what we called kindness. Unconsciously, they did great deed without realizing it. Finally, I also know people who claim themselves to be kind. They are kind, it’s no debate. Unfortunately, for me, most of them are unbearable.

Kind People’ who claim to be one, unconsciously have a very huge expectation. I am acting this way, you should too. I am giving you my best, you should too. I am listening to you, you should too. I am sharing everything with you, you should to. I am compromising, you should too. There are so many expectation. The worst one that I find it hard to accept was: I am doing this for your sake, you should accept it. When I was small, I tried to bear with it. I reason with myself that they were just being kind. Unfortunately, I grows to hate that type of kindness that I’d rather become a distant person than unnecessarily poking others wound.

I have this belief that I might see what better left unseen and listen to what shouldn’t be heard. That is why, if one day I question other about what I see, they might broke to tears. Maybe there are those who want to have this character for it seems to make them an understanding person. However, I dislike it. While it’s true that being able to see their heart have it perks, it also give me a lot of disadvantages. For some reason, people seems to make me the one that share their fate. It should be fine if this so called fate was a good one. The thing is, those fate tends to move toward unpleasant situation. In the end, I have to bend to their will. It annoys me.

Most of the time, I can see exactly what people want when they talk to me. While it doesn’t really bother me to give them what they expect to have, it annoys me when they take it for granted. The worst news is, those who takes it for granted tend to fall into the category of people who claim to be kind. This makes me question the kindness itself. What makes a kindness, kindness? I mean, really?

Does boasting about how people like to confide to you makes you a kind people, for it to shows that you must have a very good character? People confide to another. What differ them was the one who they confide to. The fact is, you only confide to the one whom you trust or the one whom you are comfortable with. It’s probably both but that’s very rare. Do they run to you out of trust? Or comfort? If it’s trust, would that makes you a trustful lad those a good person? If you give them comfort does that means that you give a better energy – a kind person?

Trust exist between people with mutual understanding. It doesn’t necessarily means that you have a great heart. Trust can also exist for a special circumstance with a certain condition. It might just happen that the condition is filled and the circumstance is fit. Trust is a double edge blade after all. Even when it’s a very great thing, doesn’t mean that it only build under the good edge.

Comfort exist between people with the same character. It could also exist when each could comprehend another way of thinking. Are those who confide to you all a good people which also makes a you a good person? Maybe it just happened that you both were standing at the same place.

Therefore, kindness is not something you just can claim.

It wouldn’t be a kindness just by saying that it is.

 

Would it be right to pick others mistake and trash it to their face for a good intention? Even the greatest kindness might make you bleed when it’s done without caution. I just can’t find it right to do a good deed because you think it is a good deed. You need to understand what makes a good deed, a good deed. Would claiming it to be one give you a good excuse to carelessly hurt another?

Since everyone is miserable in their own way, it makes sense that each of us have a story that other just can’t comprehend. I’d like to leave it at that. This is why, I find people who dig my story to be unbearable. I am capable of talking about my history, only if the other are capable of listening to it. I am not so stupid not to be able to tell between. Unfortunately, some would demand. They claim it to be their right to listen and to be listened to. Since it was with a good intention, I have to accept their good deed. Since it was for a good deed, I have to behave the way they want me to be. If I refuse to, they would question why? Whatever they ever did for them to be refused?

For me – and maybe some other people in this world – it’s not about what they ever done to ended up being refused , it’s more like what have they ever done that they are worth the trust for them not to be refused. Some of us are defenseless and the other are heavily guarded, I just happened to be the latter. Stop demanding me on the excuse of kindness. I am not a good kid and I might know nothing about kindness. However, I understand that kindness isn’t suppose to suffocate me. I know that it is not kindness if I have to feel exhausted trying to makes the other party doesn’t feel offended. If it takes a lot of effort and it exhaust me, it is not a form of kindness, it’s a selfish demand – nothing more.

Why should I always comply to other wishes and get called “selfish” once I failed? Does my point of view not exist? Do they know my reason before finding their reason is right? If they does, do they understand my reason before they finally decide that they were right? You just can’t totally stand in someone else shoes, that’s a fact. There’s no need to feel offended if other find you incapable of understanding them because that might be the truth.

I am very distant. I like to leave things the way they are and stop myself from anything that might makes me a nosy person. Even when I finally find people whom I love and find precious, I dare not expect anything from them. This trait of me is annoying – to some. But this is the conclusion that I reach. Is it so wrong to act as what I decided when I put a lot of thought about it? I am misunderstood a lot and I hate explaining myself, however I am not that hard to understood once you take a good look. Why do I have to change just so one person would feel comfortable with me? Do I strictly have to be around him anyway?

For me, things have to happened both way. Slowly, I change and the other change. No demands, no rules, no ‘have to’. I understand that this way, most people find me so heavily guarded. I am, I don’t deny that. But is it so wrong to be that way? Just because it is a kindness I have to be defenseless? Even when it suffocate me? Even if it kills me? Is that what a kindness should be?

Again, I am not saying that I am right and my way of thinking is the right one. I just.. question my story and people around me, for future changes.

I am a woman, one who’ll eventually become a mother. More than a husband, I am most likely the one who’ll change my husband attitude toward life. More than a father, I am most likely the one who’s responsible toward my children personality. I have a great interest into becoming a mother that my child is not ashamed of and one that they always look up to. This is why, times to times, I like to question myself.

..and once in the future, I’d like to ask my child the very same question. In the mean time, I’ll keep on searching for the answer in hope that when the time comes, I have the proper answer.

Well. I guess that’s it for today’s question. Love,

F

You = what you read? – in English

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source: blog.dashburst.com

When I was young, people lecture me a lot about how your liking, your hobby and anything you do could describe you. Since I was a bookworm, people also told me that I am what I read. Of course, I used to really like good stuff that gave me knowledge but it changed. Not completely changed but more like my liking expand.

Now, as I grew so old, I keep on liking reading comic. Although unlike the past time where I used to like a really girly comic, I tend to find stuff that more toward fighting and martial art much better. Once in a while, I’ll laugh when I read a status update in facebook, line, bbm or maybe a tweet that was quoted from girly comic. Not that I find it stupid, just silly.

You see, there is this kind of unreal image in girl’s targeted comic. Most of them are girl’s-service and it distorts the way they picture how a romance should be. It’s drawn in a an exaggerated way that makes the readers melt but if I have to be honest, it’s just plain stupid and boring.

Typical comic / manga in this genre (shoujo – girls comic) would have a cliche where the perfect or cool guy would fall for the heroin for some unrealistic reason. Most of the time, he would desperately chase after the girl as if she was the only girl in the world. One way or another, the guy would go so far as sacrificing himself just so this girl would be happy. Not that I am saying that this kind of romance doesn’t exist, it just the story is blown way out of proportion.

Most girl who likes comic/manga would like this stuff and it grows an unhealthy images or expectation towards boy. Honestly, all girls have a silly expectation to be rescued by a perfect prince. This kind of books or reading material are making it worse. Not to mention, more and more of movies on tv are also moving toward that area. It’s like whatever we are watching and reading are trying to make us a love-brain creature with a sick diet.

It is a fact that those who like that kind of story also have that kind of way of thinking. Well then, what about me who likes to read action/fighting and fantasy stuff? Err.. maybe I am no way better from the other girl. The thing is, since I really like to read and watch anything involved fighting, I become really infatuated with the idea of having a strong and smart guy as my man. Well, in every movie, the one with only muscle will lose anyway. Muscle and brain, gentleman! Please propose to me! *laugh*