Before I start, to those who tend to find what is described is about him and busy being defensive later on, please leave. You might find what I write irritating.
Second, to those who can’t completely cast aside his pride and live his life while always being right, please leave. You might find my questioning so terribly rude.
Finally, to those who are always busy on saying that you can totally relate to other and tend to be offended when the other says that you can’t understand him, please leave. I might give the same tiring feeling to you in this post.
Now then, are all the one remains are those open minded gentleman?
Please pardon my idea if it happens to be confusing. After all, rather than sharing ideas, this post is more like a debate within me. Enjoy!
No one live without a scar. Big or small, a scar is a scar. Terrible or light, a scar is painful. There is this dialogue in a drama that I watched where the villain was saying that a plant which was spoiled too much (given too much water, etc) will most likely die. On the other hand, a plant which suffers a manageable stress would produce the best fruit. In this perspective, it is clear that what groom us is our suffering. Though it sounds terrible, we need a certain amount of wounds for us to grow up nicely.
Another question arise, how do we know that is a manageable stress? We are, after all, just a human. We have the tendencies to limit ourselves. While some tend to underestimate themselves, another overestimate it. How do we know that every stress that we encounter is manageable? The answer lies within us. Human are a very amazing creature, are we not? We survive this far, develop a great technology, all this while enduring what we thought were beyond us, weren’t we? Some might meet his end, but who’s to say that he failed? Some says that failures are a success of knowing hurdles and mistakes. We only need to shift our gaze to see everything in a totally new point of view.
This could be a very long discussion so I am going to set a limit.
What I am going to discuss right now is about ‘intention’.
What is an intention? Is it a reason? Is it a desire? What makes our action is true to what we intent it to be? Let’s get a very good example, kindness. When is a kindness, a kindness? Was it when we say it to be? Was it when we use it as our intention? Was it when the one affected find it kind? Was it us to say? Or was it others to say?
I knew people who never claim to be a good being. They are like a light, comfortable to be around. They are like the air, help you breath when it’s suffocating. Some of them gave away the image of a good person right away. Some others are misunderstood by their confusing action. Either way, both of them are kind.
I also know people who claim to be a bad person, one who openly confess their sins. They are not proud of their sin but it was a fact that they are what they did. While some of them are terrible, some of them indeed really value what we called kindness. Unconsciously, they did great deed without realizing it. Finally, I also know people who claim themselves to be kind. They are kind, it’s no debate. Unfortunately, for me, most of them are unbearable.
‘Kind People’ who claim to be one, unconsciously have a very huge expectation. I am acting this way, you should too. I am giving you my best, you should too. I am listening to you, you should too. I am sharing everything with you, you should to. I am compromising, you should too. There are so many expectation. The worst one that I find it hard to accept was: I am doing this for your sake, you should accept it. When I was small, I tried to bear with it. I reason with myself that they were just being kind. Unfortunately, I grows to hate that type of kindness that I’d rather become a distant person than unnecessarily poking others wound.
I have this belief that I might see what better left unseen and listen to what shouldn’t be heard. That is why, if one day I question other about what I see, they might broke to tears. Maybe there are those who want to have this character for it seems to make them an understanding person. However, I dislike it. While it’s true that being able to see their heart have it perks, it also give me a lot of disadvantages. For some reason, people seems to make me the one that share their fate. It should be fine if this so called fate was a good one. The thing is, those fate tends to move toward unpleasant situation. In the end, I have to bend to their will. It annoys me.
Most of the time, I can see exactly what people want when they talk to me. While it doesn’t really bother me to give them what they expect to have, it annoys me when they take it for granted. The worst news is, those who takes it for granted tend to fall into the category of people who claim to be kind. This makes me question the kindness itself. What makes a kindness, kindness? I mean, really?
Does boasting about how people like to confide to you makes you a kind people, for it to shows that you must have a very good character? People confide to another. What differ them was the one who they confide to. The fact is, you only confide to the one whom you trust or the one whom you are comfortable with. It’s probably both but that’s very rare. Do they run to you out of trust? Or comfort? If it’s trust, would that makes you a trustful lad those a good person? If you give them comfort does that means that you give a better energy – a kind person?
Trust exist between people with mutual understanding. It doesn’t necessarily means that you have a great heart. Trust can also exist for a special circumstance with a certain condition. It might just happen that the condition is filled and the circumstance is fit. Trust is a double edge blade after all. Even when it’s a very great thing, doesn’t mean that it only build under the good edge.
Comfort exist between people with the same character. It could also exist when each could comprehend another way of thinking. Are those who confide to you all a good people which also makes a you a good person? Maybe it just happened that you both were standing at the same place.
Therefore, kindness is not something you just can claim.
It wouldn’t be a kindness just by saying that it is.
Would it be right to pick others mistake and trash it to their face for a good intention? Even the greatest kindness might make you bleed when it’s done without caution. I just can’t find it right to do a good deed because you think it is a good deed. You need to understand what makes a good deed, a good deed. Would claiming it to be one give you a good excuse to carelessly hurt another?
Since everyone is miserable in their own way, it makes sense that each of us have a story that other just can’t comprehend. I’d like to leave it at that. This is why, I find people who dig my story to be unbearable. I am capable of talking about my history, only if the other are capable of listening to it. I am not so stupid not to be able to tell between. Unfortunately, some would demand. They claim it to be their right to listen and to be listened to. Since it was with a good intention, I have to accept their good deed. Since it was for a good deed, I have to behave the way they want me to be. If I refuse to, they would question why? Whatever they ever did for them to be refused?
For me – and maybe some other people in this world – it’s not about what they ever done to ended up being refused , it’s more like what have they ever done that they are worth the trust for them not to be refused. Some of us are defenseless and the other are heavily guarded, I just happened to be the latter. Stop demanding me on the excuse of kindness. I am not a good kid and I might know nothing about kindness. However, I understand that kindness isn’t suppose to suffocate me. I know that it is not kindness if I have to feel exhausted trying to makes the other party doesn’t feel offended. If it takes a lot of effort and it exhaust me, it is not a form of kindness, it’s a selfish demand – nothing more.
Why should I always comply to other wishes and get called “selfish” once I failed? Does my point of view not exist? Do they know my reason before finding their reason is right? If they does, do they understand my reason before they finally decide that they were right? You just can’t totally stand in someone else shoes, that’s a fact. There’s no need to feel offended if other find you incapable of understanding them because that might be the truth.
I am very distant. I like to leave things the way they are and stop myself from anything that might makes me a nosy person. Even when I finally find people whom I love and find precious, I dare not expect anything from them. This trait of me is annoying – to some. But this is the conclusion that I reach. Is it so wrong to act as what I decided when I put a lot of thought about it? I am misunderstood a lot and I hate explaining myself, however I am not that hard to understood once you take a good look. Why do I have to change just so one person would feel comfortable with me? Do I strictly have to be around him anyway?
For me, things have to happened both way. Slowly, I change and the other change. No demands, no rules, no ‘have to’. I understand that this way, most people find me so heavily guarded. I am, I don’t deny that. But is it so wrong to be that way? Just because it is a kindness I have to be defenseless? Even when it suffocate me? Even if it kills me? Is that what a kindness should be?
Again, I am not saying that I am right and my way of thinking is the right one. I just.. question my story and people around me, for future changes.
I am a woman, one who’ll eventually become a mother. More than a husband, I am most likely the one who’ll change my husband attitude toward life. More than a father, I am most likely the one who’s responsible toward my children personality. I have a great interest into becoming a mother that my child is not ashamed of and one that they always look up to. This is why, times to times, I like to question myself.
..and once in the future, I’d like to ask my child the very same question. In the mean time, I’ll keep on searching for the answer in hope that when the time comes, I have the proper answer.
Well. I guess that’s it for today’s question. Love,