Lately, my dream has circled around this topic: Marriage. It’s a terror!
It feels like (maybe) God is giving me a forced therapy to quickly get used to the fact that I am already in the age for marriage and such. Although it feels good when I get to have a partner to spoil me and all in my imagination, it becomes plain terrible the moment I realize that I am soon to be tied by that man. Before, I can bear with it since the one who act as “my man” were my friend. As long as it wasn’t my ex boyfriend, those man makes me feel nothing the moment I wake up. You see, I have always been so detached so whatever happens is those dream does not affect me.
The thing is, lately, the one who act as the man was people who shouldn’t be in that position at all. In fact, even if he were the last man exist in this world and I was the last woman, it would be right to let the human race perish rather than having him as my man –or me as his woman. Can you imagine how disturbing it is to have you brain picturing such a man to be your lover? It’ too much. Even now, I can’t stop feeling disgusted by the mere remembering it. Why did I have such a horribly weird dream anyway? Is this normal? Do people normally have such impossible dream in their sleep? Anybody? I can’t be the only one right?
As I’ve told you before, I am used to those dream where my sole purpose of life is as a warmth seeker. I kiss, I hug, I cling and I act spoiled beyond words. It’s not that weird since truth to be told, that might be the real me for all I care. That’s right, I appeared to be wise,understanding and gentle, but that does not mean I can’t I act cute. Rather, those two contradiction side live in harmony within me. It’s more like to each side exist to suppress the annoying part per sides. Plus, given my history, it is quite obvious that I am a lonely child before a lonely woman. Yeah, yeah, a lonely person. *cries to sleep.* Unfortunately, in real life, I do not have much chance to show the “child-like” part of me. That is why, to make up for the suppressed desire, those child like part appears in most of my dream, resulted in me behaving super spoiled and clingy in dreams.
Once in a while, I’ll dream about the man that I used to go out with proposing to me. He goes to my parent and ask my hand for marriage. Can you guess how I feel? Terrified. Purely terrified. Another time, I’ll dream about having my (male) friend laying next to me, hugging and stuff, purely giving me every bit of affection. It feels nice, I like it. I hold back a lot but I really enjoy the company of a male-friend even if its purely friendship. When they joke around and pat my head once I play cute or when they can’t help but want to pinch my cheek when I tease them to much, I find it nice. If it’s not for my religion belief, I could shamelessly sit on their lap and lay my head at those warm chest. Oh how I want to do that! But I have a line which they can’t cross. I do not want to be involved. The more they tried to more I run. They take an inch I’ll run a mile. Once they start to give up and slow down, I’ll tempt them again. I am afraid of being in relationship but I really love to play with fire. Nasty of me right?
That explains why each nice dream turns fearful once they started to bind me (in those dream). So most of those dream started to taste terrible since the ending are always the same, asking for a commitment. Whyyyyyy would I want that?
You know, my mind have turn so twisted that I have the tendencies to feel better to have an affair with a married man or someone’s fiance rather than being in love with a lover. IN MY DREAM OKAY? I was referring to how my mind works during those dream. For example, a dream of fooling around with a friend of mine who’s suppose to be a husband in a few day. In that dream, I was sitting on his lap. His build is quite big for Indonesian so I fit in his arm just right. For some unknown reason, he was embracing me while talking about his dream woman who’s going to be his wife. I was clinging to his neck while acting spoiled and he put his hand on my waist. His every touch makes me feel loved. The thing is, what I find weird in that situation is that he was bragging about his soon-to-be wife while embracing me. I have no problem about the fact that he is someone else man or I might look like a third wheel. I just find him weird to be talking about something which contradict his loving touch toward me, that’s all. Isn’t it weird?
Another example is last night dream. In that dream, I was going to get married to my own family. No, not my dad but he is my family. That was sooooo weird on so many level! That dream reminds me how I like to force myself to be brave even though I am trembling with fear inside. Yeah, I can do that. I can force myself to face my fear but it doesn’t feel good. It’s a horrible experience. But here comes the weirder part, I am not concern about becoming his second wife, nor about how I have to raise one of his child with his current wife. I am not even concern about the fact that he is my family and this marriage isn’t suppose to happen. I have only one concern, I am afraid to make love to him.
…yep, a very weird concern.
Ah.. I am tired just by remembering how afraid I was while counting down to the day when I would be “monopolized”. Even though I keep on telling myself that he is a good and kind man, that he would take a good care of me, that he has “experience” so he won’t make it so painful for me when we did it, I am still afraid! As I count down to the fateful day, I keep on losing my appetite but have to gather the courage to face him anyway. I am afraid of man okay? I can’t help it. I can’t even understand why do I feel such a weird fear toward them. I mean, as long as they didn’t see me as a woman, I can hang around them just fine. However, if they were to see me as a man, looking at me with a very gentle eyes, I would feel guilty for some reason I can’t explain. Not to mention, whenever they see me as a woman, can’t help hiding their lust toward me, I would be terrified. I hate this constitution of mine where I started to feel uncomfortable once they show me that they see me as a woman…
Does that makes me a lesbian? Hell no! Not in your wildest dream. I am okay if people want to be a homo and love one with the same gender but I can never imagine being in the same trend. I like those manly broad chest and I feel plainly disturbed when my female friend hugs me. The boobs, it feels annoying. I also like those huge hand and those tall build that makes me seems small, how could I fall for a girl? *pukes*
Okay, this topic is becoming weirder so lets get back to the main topic.
..What was it? Ah right. I was telling you that I am afraid of making love. To me, making love is not just plain lust. It’s like a holy ceremony of trusting another person, enough to let him see a side of you that known to no other. Making love is also an act of monopolizing another with your own language of love and possessiveness. It’s more that just satisfying your natural needs. That what makes it terrifying. That what makes me afraid of it. So, not only that I was forced to get used to the idea of being a wife, I was also forced to get used to the idea of finally letting other to monopolize me. Of course I was so afraid! If I have to describe the feeling, it feels like I have to bungee jump using a very fragile rope as a support when I knew very well that there is a very dangerous deep river down there. I know that even if the frayed rope were to cut off, I wont be so dead with the river down there if I were to fall, but I also know that the river is not really safe considering that the stream is very fast and the river itself is very deep. I am also aware that even if there is hope that I won’t die when things go wrong, I would die by drowning since I can’t swim. Can you imagine now how I felt last night? But I jumped anyway! I jumped while cursing my useless courage to plunge myself into misery. I jumped anyway. The moment waiting for my death feels so long and I just want to get it over. But still, it’s too scary!
I am a coward. Why do I have to face such a scary thing?
Anyway, I thank god for not forcing me to go trough the moment of truth and makes me experience what should be a very nice dream for guys. Ah, thank God. At least I know He love me enough to not force me to be afraid of sleeping – for the fear of the same dream. But still, it’s annoying.
I guess that’s my story for now. Love,